Saturday, May 23, 2015

Just me…

Today was a bad day. One of the worst… I have lost everything. My heart can’t break any more than it’s current condition… Because if I allow my heart to break any more, I will kill myself. I have not friend in this world. No one loves me, no one cares. I hurt so bad. Today, my husband tried to get my kids taken away from me. He left me over a week ago… Just left… I questioned his fidelity, and he just LEFT. I am not loveable. I am so sad. I wish I could die. But my kids… They need me… Right? Maybe not. Maybe I should die and make the world a better place. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep, and alcohol is not doing what it’s supposed to… My husband left his Trazodone here… I took some… mixed it with alcohol… But even that didn’t do anything to numb the pain. I need the pain to be numbed. I need to not FEEL this pain. I hurt. I hurt so damn bad. And guess what! No one fucking cares! No one cares about me at all. I wish the pain and suffering would all end… Why don’t I end it? Because I’m fucking selfish, and can’t fathom the thought of another woman raising my chidren. Oh, I want to die! I wish I were dead… But I need death to catch me off guard… I’m too coward to off myself. I sure as hell wish I could.. I just need this pain to stop. I need it to go away. And you know, my husband doesn’t even have a valid reason for WHY he left me, or WHY he won’t come back. Just by breathing, I am pushing him away he says. So, he is trying to destroy me. Take away the three things in the world that keep my head above water: my kids. Take my kids away… That’s one way to surely end it all. I will be homeless, he has already promised that, and he doesn’t even give a damn about it. I am so damn alone. Strip, he tells me. Strip to make money. All I’ve done is beg and beg for love. “I’ll do anything!” I have lost all self-respect. I am barely hanging on. I don’t think I can go on. My heart hurts. I hurt. And there is not a soul out there that gives a damn.

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