Sunday

I woke up way too early today… Just can’t sleep… I am trying to psych myself up to do what has to be done… My darling hubby wants me kicked out of our home… I need to prepare… I have to find a place for my kiddos and I to live… A place I can afford (that, please God, isn’t in the ghetto)… I need to start cleaning out the basement… Pack what I need, toss what I don’t… *Sigh* So much to do, so little desire…

You know what is really pissing me off?? My supposed “best friend” is only my friend during the work week/ working hours. Once at home, my “best friend” doesn’t give two flying fucks about what happens to me. When I send a text “I need my friend” I expect at least a text message back, or a phone call… Too much to ask? I’m the type of person that is there whenever a friend is in need! Hell, even with the bull shit my husband has put/ is putting me through, he needs but to say the word, and I’m there, willing… Maybe that makes me the world’s biggest fool… Heck, I’m not an ugly chic… So why am I such a doormat?? I must have been a really BAD person in a past life (I don’t even believe in reincarnation haha)..

All I am trying to figure out is “What Next?” How do I move on? How do I stop wallowing in this pit of despair which is called “My Life”? Am I a bad person? Am I just an unloveable woman? I’m such a child… But, when will the pain stop? A coworker told me, “It will hurt for a few weeks, or months, then you’ll get out there and meet someone new!” Meet someone new?? I don’t want to meet anyone new! Hell, I have already given so much of my heart away, to have it broken into so many pieces, I don’t think that I have anything to offer this elusive someone new… Someone new… SMH… *Sigh* Sometimes, I think God only put me on this earth to suffer… I feel like everyone has a purpose… My purpose is to suffer at the hands of those that I love. And I love so deeply, only to discover over, and over again, that it simply isn’t enough… I’m not good enough… I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve anything but pain and suffering. And, I hurt. When will the pain begin to dull?

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