“Can I Come Home?”

Hmm… How do I answer that question?? I wanted to yell “Hell no! And by the way, F**K YOU!” Instead I hesitantly replied, “Okay…” I feel like a fool, I should have stuck to my guns… But, well… I had already spoken to his 1sg… I knew he was coming home today anyway… Why, God, Why?? I just can’t do it… Then he sends me a text message that reads: “Are you mad at me?” I respond, “Uhm. For what?” Not to be cute, or coy, but to figure out WHAT he THINKS I might possibly be mad about… The fact that you left, cheated, tried to get my kids taken away, called me every bad name in the book, treated me like utter shit, slandered me to anyone who would listen to your lame ass, threatened to get me, and my kids kicked out onto the streets…. WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY BE MAD ABOUT? He responds “Okay!” Seriously? Are you kidding me right now? Uhm… After everything you put me through?? What makes you think that I am NOT mad? Then, as curiosity ALWAYS gets the better of me, I ask “Why are you coming home?” He responds “I’m coming home to work on my marriage.” YOUR marriage?? The one you tossed away for a MONTH?? That one? The one that involves another human being?? Because, oh yeah, buddy, I am a damn HUMAN BEING! In case you DIDN’T notice! What about MY feelings, huh? What about me? Did you ask ME if I wanted to work on OUR marriage? No, you didn’t even think to ask. Didn’t think that your little KoalaBaby had a thought in that head of hers… Well, guess what, I DO! And, YOU can work on YOUR marriage ALL you want. But, I, I am DONE. YOUR marriage is no longer MY priority! I don’t even like the person you have become. Or have you always been this way? I was too stupid, and blinded by “LOVE” to see it. YOU and YOUR marriage can count me out. You put me through HELL! You didn’t even care that I was hurting. Hell, I am still hurting, but you act like you want me to roll out the damn red carpet because you had to move out of the barracks, and you think you DESERVE to come home? You lost whatever preferential treatment that you THINK you are entitled to when you left me. That was the LAST time. I don’t want anything that you have to offer anymore. You broke my heart. There is NOTHING you can do to fix it. NOTHING! I don’t need you. I don’t WANT you. We BOTH knew that eventually you would drag your sorry ass home. It’s too damn late. Too late. I am done. I am moving on with my life. You and I have NOTHING left between us, except a vehicle that is in both our names… And a stupid piece of paper that ties us to one another.

Yes, I have considered the Christian concept of forgiveness… I have mulled it over… Right now, I am incapable of forgiving. I am incapable of loving you again. Right now, I’d rather cuddle up with my broken heart every night as opposed to seeing your face. I don’t want you to touch me. I don’t want you to look at me. You left me. You hurt me. And overnight, you want me to forget all of that? No. I can’t. I won’t. What will I be teaching my children? That it’s okay to mistreat others? That it’s okay to be mistreated? NO! I cannot teach them that fucked up logic. I won’t. You broke me. You broke us. I can’t go back to you- I can’t accept you back into my life. Things will never be the same. I don’t want this. I am done.

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