So many changes!

On Tuesday, June 16, 2015, I became the proud leaser of a 3×2 apartment! I really cannot believe that I did it, on my own… I moved out, away from the stress, and drama that is my “marriage.” (Assuming you can call it that..) I feel good… I feel relieved! Dare I say that I am *gasp* HAPPY?? You know, I have never, EVER, in my whole life, been without a man in my life… Until now… And it actually feels pretty good. I don’t need a man to validate who I am… I am a good person. I deserve all of the happiness, and joy that I can stand, and then some! Of course, I say this now, while I am at work, surrounded by people… It’s at night, when the lights go out, and I am laying in bed, alone, that I feel… ALONE…

So, my husband has decided that the fate of our marriage rests in his hands alone. He can choose if/when we divorce, or stay together. When I say: “You can’t make that decision independent of me.” He calls me selfish, and tells me that I don’t care about his feelings at all. If HE wants to work on HIS marriage, I just have to bend. Uhm… I am going to go with NO on that one. I want my feelings, and opinions to matter. Her left me over a month ago… It felt like it destroyed my life at the time. I was a wreck. I was utterly defeated! However, the gals that I have the pleasure of working with, have made everything that much more bearable! I do not feel so ALONE. For the first time in my life, I have friends… Granted, no, I won’t call them up in the middle of the night if I need a friend… I know that I am not so alone… My parents live so far away, my siblings do too… But, I am not alone.

I love my husband. I love him very much. DO I hope for reconciliation? Yes, and no… Will we reconcile? Probably not. Yet, each day that passes is helping me to become stronger. I am becoming increasingly independent, and I know, without the shadow of a doubt that I will be okay! I will survive. I am surviving! I am making it, on my own. I feel more confident. He left me on May 14, 2015. I will give myself until August 14, 2015, three months… If things stay as they are, I will file for divorce. I think three months is a fair amount of time? Actually, I think it is more than generous… I just wish that he realized that I am a human being, with real live feelings, and that I matter! He just doesn’t seem to get that… Or, if he does, he simply doesn’t care. Being “alone” is scary, but it can also be rewarding. I will learn to be comfortable with MYSELF. I think I can find out who I am, and maybe even fall in love with ME 🙂 I look forward to romancing me, courting me, loving ME. My kids are at the ages where I don’t have to focus fully on THEM, but I can focus more on ME. Let me tell you I am SCARED, and I am THRILLED, and I am READY!

I have prayed for my husband to return to me. Though we are being civil, I think we are done… It’s very sad to even say that. However, I have no choice but to accept it… Gosh… I love him! But, it is time to love me… He accuses me of wanting a divorce, or working out a marriage “overnight”… And, maybe he is right, but it has been 34 days… Nothing “overnight” about that… The more time that passes, the more that I have to think, “This is for the birds…” I deserve BETTER. I must be strong. I have to be strong. I have no other choice… I don’t want to add a second divorce to my track record, but… Is it really THAT terrible? I mean… It’s a relationship that never should have been in the first place… But now, it’s my turn – here is my chance, to be happy, to be free, to live, to laugh, to love (or not). “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.” (Which reminds me, I feel like watching “Moulin Rouge” tonight!)

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