I am not saint. We are all sinners. I do my best to live, to survive, to make it through each day. I do my best to love, unconditionally, without malice, to forgive without seeking, or requiring, an apology. So, why do I keep hitting a brick wall at every turn? Why do I continue to experience failed relationships, and heartache? Is this “LIFE”? Am I LIVING? Is living supposed to hurt this bad? Is loving supposed to incite pain, and suffering? We all want to live, love, laugh… I try, and I try, and I try! Why am I failing at this? I want a deep connection. I need to feel connected, to someone… Am I just unworthy of such silly notions? Have I pissed the God I serve off to the point that HE deems me only worthy of pain? I am no saint, I know that… Still, don’t I deserve a little glimmer of happiness every once in a while? What have I done – er, what am I doing wrong? Why is living so painful? I dread waking up each day. And, if I follow the teachings of my youth, I will die, and continue to suffer for all eternity. So, why can’t I get the tiniest bit of happiness? All I want, is for a day where I am not in pain. A day where I am care free, and happy! A day where Brian doesn’t TRY to hurt me. A day where I am light, and free… But, that will never happen. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve to be free. I am made for suffering. My suffering makes others happy. Brian delights in my pain. Chris takes pleasure in my pain. My mother loved to harm me as a child. My dad feels like he can mistreat me, and reject the flowers that I sent for Father’s Day, though I didn’t even have the money to send them. The meals I have gone without, just to do something kind for those that I try to love to the best of my ability. I DO believe that we are all placed on this earth for a purpose. I just happen to be one of the unfortunates that was placed here to suffer. How badly I want to end the pain! But won’t I just go to a sinner’s hell? I don’t really WANT to give them the satisfaction of ending my own life. I also don’t want to allow them to see me suffer the way that I do… Still, I suffer… I don’t see a way around it. I am stuck. I am in so much pain… And no one cares. I don’t have ONE close friend. Maybe I am the problem… Maybe it is me. Maybe in a past life I did such terrible things… Or, maybe, I cannot see myself and all of my faults. I am in counseling, and Steffie tells me, “You are not the problem.” “You are good.” “You need to love yourself.” But how could she possibly know that? I don’t feel like I am “good.” I feel like I am BAD. I feel like I deserve to suffer. I do not know why I feel that way. It’s just the way it is, you know? Things are the way they are supposed to be… Right? I am supposed to suffer… My sister sent me a text message that said: “You’re an amazing mother and just an awesome person. I hope you get all your hearts dreams and desires. Because no one deserves it more than you.” If only that were true. If only I could believe those words. “…no one deserves it more than you.” I have suffered for so long, I have been unlovable for so long, that I only believe that I am bad, and unlovable, and deserve to suffer… I am a believer in karma… I surely have bad karma… A few months back, there was this soothsayer… He told me that I give too much of myself, to care for everyone, and leave nothing for myself. I told him it wasn’t true… Though sometimes I feel that way… I don’t know who I am. I don’t know the purpose for my life. I am trying to discover it, that way, maybe all of this can make some sense… That way, my heart can find some meaning in the midst of the hurting and the pain… Am I worth it? Am I worth anything? I.Don’t.Know… For what purpose was I placed on this earth? For what purpose am I still alive? I have to believe that there is purpose in all of this… I just do not know what that is right now… Soul searching… Probably the only way I will discover the true meaning… Jesus… Back to Jesus? Back to the old rugged cross? My first love… My true first love… But, I feel so unworthy! I don’t want the Lord to look at me, I am no longer pure. I am no longer good. (As if I ever was…) I just need to find meaning… I began this blog as just a way to cope through the day-to-day stress of dealing with my husband leaving me for another woman… Now, I think I will use to find my way through self-discovery, and finding meaning, and purpose in life… Wish me luck?