“When God closes one door, somewhere He opens a window.”
I did some research today on what God says in the Bible concerning divorce, remarriage, etc… One theory stood out to me.. It basically stated: “Some are called to be single so that their attention is not divided.” I thought, “How fitting?!” I mean, in both my marriages, my love for my spouse superceded my love for God, my FIRST love. HE truly was my first love.. My first husband- well, gosh, I loved him so much… But still, I managed to cheat on him, and even marry one of the guys with whom I cheated… Then after that, I just KNEW that God would neither love me, nor forgive me after all I had knowingly, and willingly, done wrong. Consequently, I devoted my EVERYTHING to my second (soon-to-be-ex-) husband. He never loved me- at least not like the first.. He was never there for me. Never forgave me for even the sligtest “wrong-doing”.. Still, I never cheated on him. Never desired it. I wanted the companionship that marriage should embody. I wanted my “better-half”. I wanted FOREVER. He promised to “love me forever.” But, he lied. He cheated (which I still believe I deserved). He purposely tried to harm me and my kids. He is evil. And I have finally let him go. But, I am finding so hard to find my way back to God. How could he want me? I am all bruised, used up, beaten, defiled, dirty, and ugly… But how can I find my way back to Him. He is the God who saves, right? He will pick me up, wrap me in His loving arms, and accept me as His own, just like the parable of the “Prodigal Son”…. Right? But I feel beyond the point of forgiveness. I feel like there is no love for me…. Not HIS love. No one else has loved me. I was born and raised as a “One-God-Apostolic-Born-Again-Heavenbound-Believer-in-the-Liberating-Power-of-Jesus’-Name-I-Was-Washed-in-the-Blood-Justified-by-the-Spirit…” But, what am I now? What do I believe now? I am so engulfed in sin.. I see no escape. I see no refuge. Can God love a wretch like me? Can He forgive me? I knew- I KNOW the truth, yet still, I sinned. Is there forgiveness for me? I haven’t been able to step foot in a church in over 2, or is it 3, years! I am going to try not to chicken out of going to church tomorrow… But, I called the pastor, and I will try to give it a shot… Back to my first love… If it isn’t too late… If He will still have me… No one else will… I feel like this is my final attempt… If this fails… Maybe I will just end my pitiful existence.