Today doesn’t feel to be my day. I woke up with a pounding migraine. I am overcome with depression (but then, I have been depressed since my husband left me on May 14). Still, I got up this morning, put on a cute little dress, did my hair, and even did my makeup (which I haven’t done in weeks(?) ). I can admit, I don’t look bad… If only my exterior was a true reflection of my interior. No one knows, no one can see that my heart aches so badly. I am barely hanging on here.
Today, I went to the doctor. I didn’t discuss what I wanted to discuss… Instead, I discussed my migraines. I was given a slew of medications, and sent along my happy way. I should have discussed my depression. I should have discussed the fact that I don’t much feeling in my hands most of the time. I should have told them about my back pain, and the pain I feel down my left buttocks, and thigh… Instead, I let them discuss only my migraines. Which is fine because I happen to be in the midst of a killer migraine right now. But, still!
Today I chose to give up, to throw in the towel. I am changing my telephone number, deleting email addresses that he knows. I am leaving him behind, for good. He will never love me. He has never loved me, this I know, therefore, I must let it go. I must let him go. I GIVE UP. Plain and simple… I loved him so damn much. I still do, like the idiot I am… I don’t give my heart away easily… I don’t love easily, but when I do love… It lasts. Yet, I am just a forgettable wretch that no one loves. And I am so depressed, and no one cares. I feel so alone.
Yesterday, I talked to Hank. It has been 2 years (maybe longer) since I last broke his heart. Yesterday, he found me. As we both are the brink of our second divorce. Yesterday, I allowed myself to become giddily carried away with dreams of romance, and happily-ever-afters. THEN, I woke up to… TODAY. And today, I know better. Today, I remember why he and I just didn’t work out. He moves too fast, he comes on too strong. To be quite frank, I ain’t about that jazz… In fact, I love my husband. I love him and I don’t want anyone else. I only want my husband. If only he loved me. If only he would show up, kiss my lips, and never leave my side again… I am so pathetic… Each time the elevator dings, to warn that someone is arriving, I hold my breath to see if it’s my love. Then, I am disappointed to see the blokes I work with… They aren’t blokes… They just aren’t who I wish to see. I don’t think that I will ever see him again. He once told me, “It isn’t over until it’s over.” But he also once told me that he would never leave me. He lied. He lied to me. He lied to me and I believed him. I believed every lie he ever told me. Now I just feel cheated. I am tired of losing weight because I can’t eat. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I feel like I am just a shell. There is nothing left inside of me…