OJ Murdock

OJ Murdock had made it to the NFL. He played for the Tennessee Titans. My understanding is that he injured himself in training. I grew up with OJ Murdock. We attended Calvary Tabernacle Church in Thonotosassa, Florida, pretty much our entire childhoods… We never had a crush on one another (I don’t think). We weren’t exactly in the same circle, he being a boy, me being a girl… But, we grew up together… I went to some of his little league, and high school football games… His family sat behind mine at church, every Sunday and every Wednesday at church. After graduation, no we didn’t keep in contact… I kept in contact with his mother, and his sister…

I was deployed. I was getting ready to go out on a convoy when I received the news that he had committed suicide. It devastated me. When life gets hard, and times get tough, I dream of OJ. Always these romantic dreams of him. He is always happy… He entices me to join him. And, my goodness, I want to! I want to join him so bad! Two nights ago, he kissed my inner elbow, down to my inner wrist (kiss of death?), and led me away from my hurts and pains. He led me to a room, where I saw Trey (my cousin who drowned). I want to go. I want to go and be with them.. Both of them, with OJ, with Trey… I wish I had been there for OJ… Maybe he wouldn’t have felt so alone in this world… Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so alone now. Why does he visit me in my dreams? Why does he invite me to join him? Promising me… HIM?

What is there after this life? Does God love someone who takes their own life? Can God forgive someone who can no longer live in this world? The Bible says that He will never put more on us than we can bear, but it isn’t true. It isn’t true. I can bear no more. I can’t go on any longer. Two husbands later… Two husbands that I loved with all of my life… Gone… Both my fault… The first one, I take full credit… But Brian… what did I do to drive him away? What did I do to deserve this? If I knew, maybe this hurt would mend. If I knew, maybe I could go on to live another day… But he tossed me aside like trash. Never to look back. He doesn’t give a second’s thought about me. Meanwhile he consumes my every thought. Everyone tells me that it gets better, it gets easier… WHEN?! When will it get better? When will it get easier? When will I be able to sleep again? When will my anxiety subside? When will I be able to eat again? When will the tears cease? When will I be able to smile? Dad told me, “Even through your laughter, I could hear your tears.” What does that even mean? I lost a piece of me.Everyone says that they are there for me, “no matter what time!” But they are all liars! I am all alone. And I am in so much pain. And my heart hurts. And I hurt. And I don’t want to get out of bed ever again. And I don’t want to wake up ever again. And I don’t want to live another day. Because for me waking up each day is the biggest trial there is. Breathing is the greatest torture. Life is God’s punishment. So, why? Why am I alive? For what purpose? Is there a purpose? Or is the purpose that I long since established? To suffer? I was made to suffer. Here I am to suffer.

Maybe I will finally leave this world… Go on to the next… Go and find OJ Murdock… Will he remember me? I look different… It’s been 3 years since he has passed and 12 years since we’ve seen each other… I have aged… I have only seen his face in pictures… I was so surprised at the attractive, masculine MAN he had become… He had always been attractive, looking back… But, he had become so… Masculine… All angular in the face, muscular (everywhere)… I wish that I could have saved him…

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