When God Speaks

I woke up this morning, depressed, and angry, not wanting to leave my bed. I woke up this morning dreading going to church. Still, I dragged my pitiful body out of bed, made eggs for the kids, sat and enjoyed breakfast with them as best as I could, got ready, and went to church. We were late because I left the kids’ bathing suits in the dryer, and Chris and Nika were taking the kids to the lake after church, so I had to turn around and go back home to grab them… Not the best start to the morning… Then worship service was good, but not good-good… Awkward because Nika and her kids were there. Sure, I want her and her kids to be saved… But, I already have to share my church with Chris, do I have to share it with his girlfriend and her kids too?? I mean come on!! My life sucks right now!

In any case, time to get into the message… Pastor reads from I Peter 5:6-7… A familiar passage, but the way he preached it, took on a whole new meaning for me… The message was entitle “Someone Loves You.” You know, I Peter 5:7 reads “… cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you…” But Pastor expounded it as meaning, casting all your worries, doubts, fears, anxieties… And, boy, did he delve into anxiety! Anxiety leads to sadness, which leads to depression, which leads to suicidal thoughts, which leads to suicidal attempts, and hopelessness and despair. He spoke about the masks we put on, the smile we put on. When someone asks us how we are doing, we lie and say, “I’m doing fine!” When we know that inside we are dying! And, let me tell you! That is me. If he ministered to no one else, he ministered to my heart. He ministered to me. He said those masks we put on are PRIDE. I am brought to tears just reflecting on the powerful words that he spoke this morning. Pastor said that maybe in the times of pain we need to get on our knees and ask God what lesson he is trying to teach us… I did that… I think I have the answer. My heart… I gave my heart to Brian. I gave it to him to fix what Chris had broken, to restore, and make it new. I gave it to him to protect, and love. I gave him my heart. But he is just a man. I should never have given my heart to a man. I should have kept my heart in the loving hands of Jesus. Only Jesus can fix a heart. Only Jesus can fill a heart. Only Jesus can restore a heart. I feel like he is telling me to give Him my heart. And I submit my heart to Him. Not always easy… But the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want… Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY cometh in the morning! No more sadness, no more sorrows… Goodbye OJ… You are gone… I can’t say if you are in heaven or hell, but I won’t be joining you any time soon by my own hands… I can’t go out like that… I can’t… When God speaks… I believe He has spoken to me…

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