Question: Is it just me, or are life’s lessons super expensive and super difficult to learn?
I mean, I had to fly across the freakin’ USofA just to learn that I am better off on my own, seriously?
Sadly, I KNOW that I had to go that distance to learn it. My trip was nice… I guess… I knew it was a mistake from the start, and still insisted in going anyway…. Why? Well, it doesn’t matter why… I did. I learned. It’s in the past, out of my system, and I am ready to move on.
One thing I am learning, is that, I am human, I make mistakes, but I can’t dwell there. I have to learn from them, and move on… I am now ready, and even committed to my journey of celibacy. I am now ready and committed to my singlehood. I will not dwell on the memories of what was. I will not dwell on the hurts of yesterday. They do not define who I am today, or who I will be tomorrow. I have loved two men my whole life. I have lost those two men. And you know what, maybe it was me, maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe it was partly me. Whatever the case, it doesn’t define the woman I am, nor the woman I will become.
God has something for my life. Perhaps a call to remain single. I don’t know. Whatever the call, or purpose, let it begin today. I know that this journey that I am signing onto will not be an easy one. I know that I will have good days, and I will have bad days. I will slip, I will fall, I will get back up, and get back in line. I will grieve, but I won’t stay there. I will cry, but I won’t let the tears last for long. I will get through this. I do not know what the future holds. All I can do is live my life day-by-day, which may be easier said than done.
All around me are old married couples, happy couples, newlywed couples, middle-aged couples, couples, couples, couples! Couples everywhere! Then there is me. Just me. No other half. No couple. Just me. I will learn to be okay with that. I made mistakes that brought me here. I will live with them. I will be okay with the mistakes I have made. I will be happy. I am happy. If I speak life into myself, I will yield life. Speak joy into my sorrow, I will beget joy.
I am learning… This blog began as me needing a place to cry, and share my hurt, and pain of losing my second husband. This blog has taken on new meaning for me. It is allowing me to track my evolution as a person. In it, I can see my failures, my setbacks, my joys, my detours, and different occurances along the way… Today, after I get off this plane, I will grieve once more. I will cry. A book I’m reading says allow ten minutes, but no more than 30 minutes. I will allot myself 30 minutes to cry. To mourn. To cleanse. To move on. Then, by the time I reach home, I will smile.