It ain’t easy…

First, I will share my good news! I picked the kids up from their dad’s house in Friday… For keeps! I have my old sitter back… She will be here Monday-Thursday, for the next 3 weeks until school begins.. I couldn’t be happier! I have my kids! I found a church to attend, that the kids and I will try out this morning… *Fingers crossed* that it is everything I hope it is, everything that I am looking for.. I need comfort. I need peace. I need spiritual guidance, and answers (amen). More good news… I will not have to worry about my vehicle situation much longer. I cannot afford to pay for the Journey. Brian doesn’t want it back. I am going to voluntarily surrender it back to the bank, just as soon as I purchase a vehicle in my own, which I plan to do by the weekend. Well, I have until the 4th of September, but the sooner the better? 

Now, on to what I’m really here to discuss… “It ain’t easy…” These days the thought of Brian hasn’t left my mind. I think of him almost non-stop. It’s almost like an obsession. I dream of him every night. I think of him in everything I do, throughout every waking moment of each day. I think of him. I miss him. I am angry with him. I think of the good, the bad. I pity him. I hate him. I love him. I ask God to help him forgive me. I ask God to help me forgive him. I ask God to help me get over him, especially because I know that he is already over me. It isn’t easy knowing that I am the only one left still caring, hurting, loving, mourning… While he is doing just fine. He is living his life all free, and happy. Was I really that bad? Am I really that bad? I must be. Everyone seems to believe so. Which is why I am taking my 10 years to myself. 10 years of solitude, and celibacy. 10 years to fix myself. Maybe I am not meant to be loved. Thank my lucky stars for a God who HAS to love us unconditionally. If not for God’s love and grace, I’d know no love. I have an ex-husband whi defames me to my children. Everyone has something negative to say about me. Don’t they know that I’m only human. Don’t they know that words hurt! Forget sticks and stones! Words hurt! And they linger, for so long. I am broken. My heart is in pieces. And no one cares. No one sees it. They just try to continue to tear me down. But, I am so stubborn, I don’t let them see my tears. I don’t let them see my pain, my hurt, my brokenness, my defeat. My enemies would rejoice in my failures. I have too many enemies all around. I cannot give them that. They wait like vultures to see me falter, to see me crumble. I won’t. Not for their eyes to see. I feel like the most hated individual in all the world, and I’m not really sure why I am hated so. Other than the fact that, maybe I am THAT bad of a person? Maybe I have been so horrible, even unknowingly, that I deserve every bit of persecution that is handed down to me. My heart hurts something fierce. I mean well. Of course, the road to hell is paved with good intentions… But, I wish peace for those that I love. Even if they no longer love me. Brian, Chris – forgive me one day. I am doing my best to forgive you both every day. Please, stop tearing me down, I can’t handle any more.

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