Wilderness

Yesterday, I went to this church. It was a church that I’ve never been to before. It was a church that I don’t really know if I will go back to again. The pastor delivered a word, that gave a familiar passage a whole new meaning, especially in its application to my life, here and now. Actually, he was spoke about several different passages… Let me see if I can maneuver my way through yesterday’s word…

First, he spoke about how people assume that just because everything is going great in their life, they think that automatically means that everything is going great with themselves spiritually. He read the passage about the rich farmer who didn’t have any more room for his bounty… The rich farmer decided that all was well with his soul, but Jesus said that he was wrong… And he spoke about how, it goes both ways. A lot of times the church likes to think that when things are going bad in your life, you MUST be doing something wrong, and your relationship with God – like you must be doing something wrong! But, it doesn’t work like that! Gosh ain’t he right?! It doesn’t work like that does it? Everyone wants you to believe that if things are good, then you must be doing right, and if things suck, you must be screwing up… Sometimes life just SUCKS! Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the suckery, or the blessings.

Another passage that he spoke about was Jesus in the wilderness. Now, Jesus was in the wilderness twice. One time, Jesus was driven to the wilderness, but the time he spoke about about was the time that Jesus went to the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights. For 40 days, and 40 nights, Jesus went without food and water – He fasted – and went to the wilderness to be tempted. He knew that He would be tempted. Of course, He didn’t fall prey to the temptation, but once he left the wilderness, He spoke about how He came for the broken-hearted, the wounded, the blind, etc… (I’m not capturing it correctly because I do not have a Bible in front of me… but you get it, right?) In any case, he also spoke about how Jesus was in the wilderness ALONE. The pastor spoke about how sometimes we have to go to the wilderness – sometimes we are driven to the wilderness – and it may seem like we are all alone, with no friends or family around… And let me tell ya, YES! PREACH!! Okay? I am in the wilderness. I don’t know if I drove myself to the wilderness, or if I was driven here. I don’t know if I can escape from here or not. I can’t see my out. All I see is trees everywhere I turn.

Dark is the day, dark is the night. And it keeps getting darker. I keep feeling like I am slipping further and further away from the sun – from the rest of the world. I keep trying. I keep moving. If I am walking in circles like a lost hiker, I don’t know, it feels like it, but I’m still walking. I haven’t sat down yet. I haven’t thrown in the towel yet. I haven’t given up yet. Lawd knows that I want to. Lawd knows that I want to stop moving because I don’t think moving is helping me. Lawd knows that I’m tired. Lawd knows that everyone is cheering for me to quit, to give up, to give in, to kill myself. As much as I want to die, I’m not ready to give them the satisfaction. But who am I hurting by living? Only hurting myself. Who will I hurt by dying? Only myself. So what am I doing? For what purpose must I live? For what purpose must I die? I have to believe that there is purpose in everything… Even my pathetic life. I DO believe that there is a purpose… I may never know what it is. I don’t even think that I care to know. For whatever reason, I am a stubborn little brat… I am holding on, and I do not know why. I want to let go. So badly, I want to let go. But then what? What will happen next?

Fact: I am depressed. I was doing better, at least I thought I was, but I’m depressed again. My heart hurts. I have been dreaming about Brian. But today, I have had to force myself to come to grips with the fact that it is finished. we are done. It is over. He doesn’t love me. He has only sought to destroy me. I don’t want, or need that. Every time I try to think about reconciliation (which is stupid because I’m the only one who wants it), I am harming myself. Today was a hard day. Today I am in so much pain. Today I feel so alone. But I will not turn to the attention of a man. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. There’s only me now. There’s only my kids. There’s me plus three 🙂 Because of my kids, I must be strong. They need me. If I died. THEY would hurt. If I must ever find a reason to live… Michaela, Aiden, Jaide…

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