Sometimes, all it takes is one event, one word, sentence – just one THING to put things into perspective for us.. I had my event. Well, I’ve had a series if events that have been putting every aspect of my LIFE into perspective. This last event, admittedly, has been painful. But, any lesson worth learning, usually has some pain involved. One thing that I have never been able to understand is how – why everyone, those that I love dearly, are so unforgiving towards me. It feels as though they will do everything in their power to tear me to pieces. With all of their might, they deduce me to nothing. I am a forgiving person. I love unconditionally. But, I hurt, like any other human being hurts. I feel pain. I have emotions. Yet, no one sees it – well not those that I love. They see me as a monster. They see me as this powerhouse that must be demolished. I am not sure why. I suppose I come off as stronger than I feel like I am. Perhaps I really am that strong, and should stop selling myself short.
Any way… Brian, allegedly left home because he feared for his safety. I laugh at this. Maybe I shouldn’t laugh. He cheated. He was right to have been afraid. I didn’t love him enough. I know that I didn’t. Heck, I didn’t love myself enough. I didn’t love myself at all. Still, I tried. I forgave. I tried. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I didn’t give it my best shot. There is no going back now. And I realized (what’s been put into perspective) I don’t want to ever go back to the person that I was with him. I don’t ever want to be HER. I don’t ever want to allow the things that transpired between us to ever happen again – be it with Brian, or someone else. Do I want reconciliation, where we can come back and be a couple? I don’t know. I won’t stand for being mistreated. I will matter. I don’t think he has ever loved me enough to comply with those needs.
Perspective: I can do all things through Christ. God is giving me strength. God is in control. He is taking care of the situation. I don’t see the outcome, but He does. I am doing my best to be faithful to Him. Jesus can, will – HAS to work it out. I am done trying, because there is NOTHING that I can do. I tried, and failed, and everything seemed to fall apart. So I have finally let go, in order to let God do whatever He wants to do.
Perspective: I loved Brian, at least I did in my own way. I am still unsure if he ever loved me, but he did a lot for me. He also did a lot against me. Terri believes that he just doesn’t like women, plain and simple. Cooky as it sounds, I am inclined to agree. He has no respect for any woman, not even his mother. Maybe I could have tried harder, maybe there was nothing I could do at all. In any case, I am closing that chapter. No more dwelling in the past, on what could have been… It isn’t. Time to move ahead. He is out of my life. Soon it will be official. Outside of court, the chapter is closed in my book.
Now, I have peace and harmony. My focus is on myself, and my children. There is only the four of us. No more, no less. May God bless us, and keep us, and may no harm befall any of us.