Today has been a rough day for me. My grandfather, Daddy Hense, would have been 83 years old today. However, I come to the sad realization that not only is he gone and never coming back, but all of the grandparents that I ever knew have passed away. Daddy Hense has been gone for nearly 12 years. December 4th will mark 12 years that he has been gone. I was never really close to my mom’s mother, but Grandma Carolyn will have been gone for a year on the 29th of this month. Then just two weeks later, MaBell will have been gone for a year on September 15th. They’re all gone. MaBell and Daddy Hense spent 51 years married before he passed. Their 52nd wedding anniversary would have been just 20 days later… He didn’t make it. They went through hell, but neither left. MaBell couldn’t even sleep alone after he passed, Aunt Joyce slept with her until the day she died. It’s sad really…
Know what I think I have come to realize? The women in our family, at least on the Williams side, are all single… Is it because we are too smart for men? Too independent? Just too much? Men just can’t handle us? Or did we just quit trying after so many fails? *Sigh* Oops! I really didn’t mean to go off on that tangent…
Back to what I am here to write about today… I was thinking the other day about how MaBell just had her own uniquely optimistic way of looking at things. She was a sour puss, but inside, looking back, she was an optimist. Daddy Hense beat her, and cheated on her, and treated her so bad, for many, many years… Yet, on the day of his funeral. I was sitting on their couch next to her, everyone was sharing stories, laughing, talking, etc… She was really quiet. I was crying because I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone until my kids came along… And she said to me, “Jessy, you ain’t with somebody for 50 years and not love ’em.” That broke my heart. After everything he had put her through, she loved him. I didn’t really think she did. I didn’t know how she could love him, but she did. When things went wrong, in her own sour way, she made sense of everything. She would leave me with a new way to look at everything, and hope. I knew that I could get over whatever “mountain” was in my way. She turned my mountains into molehills. I am famous for making mountains out of molehills, and she was able to reverse it. As sour as she was, while she was living, I never appreciated her optimism. I have only recently discovered it. I have only recently realized that in her gruff manner, she loved me too. I didn’t think she liked me, but she loved me. She was wise. I wish that I had listened more intently to her. I wish I hadn’t tried to avoid talking to her. I wish I called her more. I wish I loved her more. So many regrets. Hindsight really is 20/20… Now I have no older wise woman to speak with, listen to, confide in… I miss her. I didn’t mourn her when she passed, because honestly, I was more wrapped up in myself at the time. I was so wrapped up in Brian… Lot of good that did me.
Daddy Hense… When I was in high school, I used to say that he was the only man that I would ever love, and the only man that ever loved me. So far, besides my darling son, I think that has proven to be true. No other man has ever loved me. He would have done anything for me. He DID everything for me. He was my rock, even before I knew the meaning. He was a man that mistreated his wife, and his children, but, boy-oh-boy did he love his grand kids! He loved me unconditionally. He tasted all of my experiments with food. On my birthdays, he always bought me a huge watermelon. (I love watermelon.) He would buy me gummy bears, candy corn, and cheese balls… All my favorites. He was always proud of even my smallest accomplishments. Like, in 4th grade when I got a trophy from school for winning a bike race… No big deal really… No big accomplishment, but he was so proud of me! Everything I did, he was proud. He called me every morning before school. If it rained, he would drive all the way out to our house to take us to school. He used to tell me that I was “Sugar,” and he “didn’t want the rain to melt me.” I hated it when I was a kid. But, I miss it now. No one cares if I get wet. I’m no one’s sugar. I miss him. Today, when I looked at the date, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Usually, it’s just another day. Even the date of his death has come and gone without much thought… I stopped dreaming about him when I went to Afghanistan. He became a distant memory… Why is this all back now? Hurting like a fresh wound, like I just lost him?
Hense III, aka Trey… Trey hasn’t been gone that long. Only a matter of months. May 7th he passed. He drowned. It is the saddest thing. He was so young. Where is he now? His passing effected so many… It affected me in a bad way..But then, maybe it opened my eyes. Brian wasn’t there for me. He didn’t allow me to mourn. He thought I should just get over it… Trey had been gone a week when he left me. No, Trey and I weren’t close. We were only Facebook friends, and that being AFTER MaBell’s funeral. So, not even that long… So young… And gone. Everyone is gone, dead, dying, wanting to die…
Life is hard! Is this just my official “Welcome to Adulthood”? I mean, something’s got to give?! Seems like all around me, people are hurting, people are struggling. My sister and I are in so much pain. We lean on each other, but only for those few moments when we feel like we can’t survive. Then, we cross that hurdle, and we know we can live to see another day, and we lose contact with one another. WHY?! Maybe I’m a needy girl. Maybe it’s because she actually has a husband who loves her… She doesn’t NEED me. She actually has friends. I don’t. I’m alone. I am so sad. I am a pathetic wretch. I miss those that I’ve lost. The loss is so great. I can’t bear it. Some days are harder than others. I am still trying to go forward. Every time they knock me down I get back up. I can feel that it’s taking me a bit more time to get back up. I need a break because my resiliency is waning. I am feeling weak. I am feeling discouraged. I am in need of something good. But, it feels like there is no chance in heaven, earth, or hell that anything good will happen to me. I ask God, “What lesson am I not learning that You are trying to teach me?” I don’t know what I am doing wrong, or what I am missing. I am trying here. I am trying really hard. I am at a huge loss. I wish like heck that I had my grandparents (at least one) here to make sense of this for me. I need guidance. I need direction. I am so lost.
I’ve let go of everything. I have given up. I have given in. The only thing that I refuse to give up is my life, my soul, my children, and their souls’. I already gave up on everything else. Before Brian left me, my weight fluctuated between 126-129 lbs. Today, I weigh 106 lbs. I have lost 20+ pounds in three months. No diet like the stress diet, right? I am resigned to living out the rest of my days alone, and I’m okay with that. I figure I will continue the apartment living. The kids will be all grown and gone by the time I’m 41. I will be able to live in a little studio apartment, and maybe by then I won’t feel so lonely. I should be comfortable on my own by then. Who needs a companion? I used to hope, (did I pray?) for reconciliation with Brian. I long since gave that pipe dream up. I failed twice. I can’t try again. I am a bad wife I suppose. I bring out the worse in people. Taylor Swift has NOTHING on me. I’m the true “nightmare dressed like a daydream.” “Blank Space” is a song about me, haha. The saddest part… I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and no one will tell me. They just HATE me, mistreat me, abuse me… Not saying I didn’t deserve it, but I am suffering. Everyone has moved on, and they are happy, and I am all alone. No love for me. Some people aren’t made for love. It’s not a punishment, it’s just the way it is…
*Sigh* Well, this has been quite the productive day at work, can you tell? I’ve cried, wish I could say that I have laughed, but I definitely did not laugh… Oh what a dull mood I am in. I am so dreary today. At least it’s sunny outside… I cannot wait to see my kids, that will improve my mood. Then, I get off work early tomorrow! *Sigh* Okay, I can make it. Today may seem bleak, but this too shall pass. “Down the road the sun is brighter. In every cloud there’s a silver lining, just keep holding on…” I have to remember to keep holding on… I haven’t let go. I have to hang onto to this life of mine, it’s all that I have left. I feel like I am down to nothing. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength…” Right? Gosh, Daddy Hense, why aren’t you here to hug me, and make me feel loved? MaBell, why aren’t you here to give me guidance? Give me some of your sour optimism… *Sigh* I feel like a dang orphan. Gosh, I wonder how Daddy feels… How will I feel if/when I lose a parent, or both? Don’t have to wonder about what it’s be like to lose a spouse because I’ll never have one. *Sigh* I’m so tired… Not physically, but mentally and emotionally… I am mentally, and emotionally spent. I can’t bear anymore heartache. So, God, please grant me a reprieve from all of the bad. I am not asking for anything good. I am just asking for a break from all of the attacks that I’ve been facing. Please…
On the Outside Looking In 