In yesterday’s post I briefly went off on a tangent about the women of my paternal side, the “Williams Women.” My paternal grandparents had eight children, four girls, and four boys. Of the four boys only one is not/ has never been married. He is however in a long-term homosexual relationship. Of the four girls, none of them are married. Three have been, and one is the oldest virgin I know…
Let’s begin with Joyce. Joyce married JW, a long time ago. They were together, apart, together, apart, as the cycle is with many couples… The majority of the time, they were apart. I do not really know if ever they were divorced or not, but I do know that JW had a whole different family, outside of my aunt. Joyce has no children of her own. She moved back home when my grandfather became ill. She cared for both he and my grandmother until the day that they passed. Now at some point, I believe it was before my grandfather passed, JW came back into her life. He had diabetes. She cared for him also. He had gangrene, lost some toes, then the foot, not soon after, his life. Joyce cared for him in his final days, months (was it more than a year?) Joyce is a very smart woman. She has held decent positions, working for the judicial system. Not many men in her life, as I know it… Now she lives with Inez, and Kevin (Inez’s youngest, autistic son), in the home that they grew up.
Inez was married to Chuck. Chuck was out of the picture before myself, and my cousin Vincent, was born. He was in prison for killing his aunt (at least that’s the story I know it). Chuck is Vincent’s dad. Vince and I were born only two months apart. Growing up he was my best friend, and we just knew that we were going to get married! (hahaha) Anyway, Inez hasn’t had too many men in her life either. I do know that she dated semi-frequently. Inez is a very smart woman. She just turned 54, and not too long ago went back to school to get her Masters because she wants to teach autistic children. Kevin, her youngest son (now 18/19?) has autism. His dad is unknown to me. Rumor had it that he was a married man. I can’t say either way, because I don’t know, and don’t care. In any case, with the help of her parents, and Joyce, she raised Kevin, and Vincent, on her own. Now, she lives with Joyce. Both are single.
My mom once told me that Paulette was engaged to be married, then at the very last minute, she called off the wedding. Paulette is a prude at best. She is a virgin, and proud of it. As she should be, considering the fact that she has never been married. She was a good aunt, bossy, but good. She is very smart, and has a very domineering personality. You either love her, or hate her. I can’t say if she dates, or has dated… I am inclined to think MAYBE when she was younger. However, Paulette would have needed to find a man that can deal with her personality. She is very intelligent, a career-minded business woman. She takes care of those that she loves. Paulette does not mince words when it comes to her beliefs, opinions, etc… You know EXACTLY how she feels about something. There is no guessing with her… I kind of like that about her. Though my own relationship with her has been, strained, if it’s there at all?
My twin, or so I’m told, Deborah. She and I seem to have similar personality traits. Everyone swears that I look just like her. I suppose they all think I act just like her as well. Deborah dubbed herself “the queen of divorce.” I may be in competition for that crown. Deborah caused her parents many heartaches, marrying a white guy who mistreated her (I’ve married 2), moving away from home (it’s only a 4 hour drive, but everyone else stayed local). She was wild, and reckless, at least that’s what they say about her. Sadly, I do not know her well enough to know. All I know about her is what I’ve been told. I mean I’ve seen her, we’ve spoken, but nothing deep… So, sure she has dated, maybe she still does, I don’t know. However, no kids, and single.
Are we as Williams Women cursed to never be able to be in a loving and fulfilling, long-term relationship? Is it because we are so headstrong? Is it because our own father’s were not good examples of loving husbands? Why do we choose the wrong guys? Then, after we’ve tried and failed, how many times does it take, before we give up? For me, two times. I tried, I failed, I give up. I don’t ever want to try again. I had the love of my life once, I screwed that up. Now, I don’t even like the guy. Should I look at it as a blessing? I have three wonderful kids to love. They love me. I just – I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without someone beside me. I don’t to be alone for the rest of my life. I want companionship, a love that never dies. I am a romantic at heart. Should I accept my fate, and preen myself to live alone like my aunts, and many other intelligent women? Or should I not give up all hope yet? Is there hope? I am doubtful.
If I could go back in time and undo the damage that Brian and I caused one another, I would. I want him back, but it would be a mistake, or would it? It would. He has never been able to have unconditional love for me. I wasn’t the object of his affection, and though it hurts, I can accept that. Brian never wanted to be tied down. He wanted to be single and free. He’s probably the happiest he’s been in a long time. It hurts so bad to admit that. I didn’t realize just how deep my love for him ran. It runs so deep, and I love him so much. One day, I won’t. Right? Gosh! I love you, Brian! Love me back! Be my hubby-bear again! Love me again 😦