Brian began text messaging me. I had given him my apple id, so that he could, emailing was too difficult for me. For one, I do not have emails pushed directly to my phone. Two, I hate having to check, and check, and check again. Three, it was stressing me the heck out! So, he began to text. Once a day, nothing major. We exchanged a couple pictures. He never commented on mine (jerk!) haha, I’m kidding. Then, on Wednesday, I had decided that I no longer wanted to play his game (for the millionth time), and that I didn’t want to speak to him. He sent me a message. “How did you sleep?” I did not respond. An hour later, he sends, “Did you die?” That made me laugh so I respond, “I didn’t die.” We have a conversation, he gets angry, I bid him “Good day.” He asks me to call him. I do. I don’t block my number. I just call. During work, mind you. We talk. For nearly twenty minutes we talk! He tells me how horrible his life has become, his impending Article 15, etc… Then, asks to meet later for coffee. I agree to meet him. Then, do not initiate any further contact. He initiates all contact. He constantly asks, “Are we still on for tonight?” I refuse to answer. I am not sure. I call my sister, she is skeptical, and thinks it’s a bad idea. “What does he want?” “Why?” (No one believes that anyone can LOVE me.) I text my mom. “No, he’ll kill you or overpower you!” “I love you too much to lose you to an unstable man.” I text dad. “Is he sincere?” I’m like, “How the heck am I supposed to know the answer to that??” At the moment, I didn’t see where he was coming from. I just wanted him to say, “Yes” or “No”. “Go” or “Don’t go”. But, Daddy is so wise… Is he sincere? Truthfully, I had to meet him in person to find my answer. Did I find my answer. I am still unsure. However, I am waiting, and I will see. Perhaps he is, perhaps he isn’t. Daddy raised a valid point. He wondered if Brian just feels like he lost everything, that’s why he is reaching for me. In all honesty, I feel that way.
Which begs the question: God, was that You? For months, and months, I begged and begged for Brian to return to me. Instead, he hated me. He despised me. He neglected me when I was in need, and he didn’t care. He didn’t give two second’s thought about it. NOW, all of a sudden, NOW, he wants me back? Because he has lost it all? Because I am doing much better? I don’t quite understand. I am going to give it time. Time will tell his sincerity, or lack thereof. Of course, God, if this is You, who am I to question Your divine will and purpose? I am at a loss. God, You are just blessing me left and right. No one will accept it if I get back with him. But I love him, and I don’t want a divorce. And I want to be in the will of God. I want to be in Your will, Lord. What is Your will? Patience… He is revealing it to me bit-by-bit, everyday. Just remain steadfast, and faithful.
What am I seeking? Do I even have the answer to that? How can I know? I am doing my best to forgive and forget the past: His mistakes and mine; The pain we inflicted on one another; The words we exchanged, and more… I think I can do it. Can he? It’s not up to me to determine who he is, or what he does. It will be up to me to love, and love unconditionally. And my heart does long, and yearn so deeply for him. My heart longs for a soulmate. My heart longs for my husband… Shall I say “Thank you, Lord,” and count my blessings?