The weeks are long and hard, and by the time Sunday rolls around, I am so emotionally drained, and beat up that I don’t want to get out of bed let alone drag my poor conflicted body to church. Yet, I HAVE to get out of bed, because I HAVE to go pick up the kids, so I HAVE to go to church. This morning, on the way to pick up the kids, I was discouraged. “What’s new?” you ask. Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing is new. I am always feeling discouraged. I am always crying. Throughout the week I brave a happy face for my coworkers, my kids, myself… By Saturday, I can’t – I don’t get out of bed, because I don’t have to. Sunday, I HAVE to get out of bed, and despair consumes me.
This morning, I was consumed with feeling alone. I cried to the Lord, “I have no one. Everyone has abandoned me. I have not one friend in this world. No one checks on me. There’s no one for me to call on. Even though I go to this church, and I enjoy it, there is no one to say, ‘I’ve been thinkin about you.’ ‘I’m prayin for you.’ No one sees the pain in my eyes. No one sees my suffering. I am so alone.” My mantra, isn’t it? I wiped my eyes, and dried my tears, put a smile on my face, and picked up the kids. We drove to church. By the time we got there, I convinced myself that I was okay. Pastor Miller had us turn to Luke 19:1-10. It, once again was a story that anyone who ever went to Sunday School knows. The story of Zacchaeus. It made me think of the song “Zacchaeus was a wee little man…” Any way! He began with the meaning of Zachaeus. It means “pure” or “innocent” in Hebrew. When Jesus called him out of the sycamore tree, he called him by name, “Zacchaeus make haste…” “Innocent hurry up…” Jesus was speaking to who he would be, not who he was! Jesus told him to hurry because he was to dine and at his house. Then it goes on to say “and when THEY heard this, THEY murmured…” THEY… The spirit of THEY. THEY weren’t even worth mentioning by name because THEY don’t matter. THEY don’t want to see you blessed. THEY don’t want to help you come into your salvation. THEY see you struggling. THEY see you hurting, and THEY choose not to help. THEY choose to murmur. But, THEY don’t matter. The only people mentioned by name in the whole passage was Zacchaeus, he who would be redeemed, and Jesus, the redeemer. Zacchaeus was alone, until Jesus came to offer him redemption/salvation. What Zacchaeus did was a true act of repentance. He said that he would give half of his profit/treasure (I don’t remember the exact verbage) to the poor, and return what he stole, fourfold, though Hebrew custom was only 20% I don’t think that I am really relating this very well… *sigh* My brain is too fried… And to be honest… I am so0o emotional tonight.
Update on my husband? Is there anything to update? I don’t know what is happening with us. I am going to leave him alone. I am not sure that he wants me to contact him. He makes me feel as though I am more of a nuisance than anything. He says all I do is “take, take, take.” So, I can no longer “take.” I will no longer “take.” I will just back away. It’s all that I feel I can do. If he wants me, if he loves me, he’ll come. If I’m not worth it, he won’t, and I was right to back away. No more pain. What hurts is when I try and he rejects me (which is each time I try). So, no more heartache, no more trying. If he wants to contact me, okay. If not, that’s okay too. My heart has been through so much. It cannot take anymore pain, especially at his hand. I am putting my well-being, and my children’s well-being first. We are important. We are the only ones that matter. They are my constants. Those kids are always there for me, always concerned about how I’m doing, always worried about me. They shouldn’t be worried about me. They search my face. Looking for tell-tale signs that I’ve been crying, or not. They can read my face like a book. I love them so much! Where would I be without those kids? Oh my babies! I’m not alone 🙂 As long as I have them, I’m not alone (: *Sigh* All is right in my little world.