Am I numb or is this peace?

I barely cried this weekend. Once. Maybe twice. More like one and a half. As in I almost cried. I can’t figure out if I have peace about everything, or if I’m just numb. I think I’m just numb. What frightens me about being numb, is when I begin to feel again. How bad will it hurt? Will I be able to cope? I was able to center myself at work on Friday before I had to come home to an empty house, and face the weekend alone. I’m glad I can do that. It was a fluke that I learned how, but when I am spiraling, and about to give in to my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts… I center myself, and everything stops. Almost instantly. It’s like fairy dust. I pray it always works. I don’t overuse it. This is only the second time I have. I didn’t think I’d make it through the weekend. My mind was in such an awful place. I could see me harming myself. I knew I had to. I couldn’t even cope at work. I had to do SOMETHING! I wouldn’t say that I feel better. I feel sad sometimes. For the most part, I feel… Nothing? No, I feel something I just can’t put a name to it. Still, I do not think it is peace, and I guess I’m not numb. So what is it? All hope is lost. He is never coming back. God didn’t answer this prayer the way I wanted. He doesn’t love me. That hurts. What can I do? Hurt forever? (Yes – but I will try not to.) I will move on. I will focus on my children, and this life God has given me. I will try to be a better woman, and mother. Maybe one day, I will have peace. No one will ever want me, but that’s my plight, I will learn to live with it. Not sure if I will keep losing weight, or just get fat like Brian. I’m not loveable. I am meant to be alone. No man will ever want me. And, that’s okay. I will work hard, make a lot of money, and travel. And try not to kill myself along the way. I wish I were dead. But for some reason the good Lord keeps waking me up to suffer another day without my husband. He takes husbands from wives everyday. And I thought marriage was holy. You’d think He’d keep more together. Or answer the prayers or the spouses that beg and plead for their husband or wife to return to them. Why don’t we matter? Why are our prayers not answered? Why are our marriages so easily tossed aside and destroyed? Lord, why do you not hear my cries? I’ve cried for 6 months, begging for his return. Only to have him dangled in front of me like a carrot for a month, then ripped away again. What have I done to deserve that? I love him so much! How can You both play with me – my heart like that? I don’t matter that much? Whether I live or die? You push me to the point of not wanting to live. It’s all a game. Then mock me. Remind me of my past. To Brian, I feel like I have nothing more to say. I am beyond hurt. I can’t fight. I can’t. It hurts too badly. I cannot continue to beg you to love me. You don’t. You won’t. Okay. My heart doesn’t feel. So, it doesn’t matter. I said goodbye. I meant it. We will never meet again (until you have to pay me December 1 spousal support).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s