“You just wait, wait, wait on the Lord/ and you’ll see He always keeps His word”
Wait on the Lord… Wait on the Lord… I have waited since May 14th. Nothing has happened. The Lord has been silent. The Lord has not heard my prayers. The Lord has not heard me. The Lord is not listening to me. I hear so many conflicting things. Two Pastors say MOVE ON. Bible says God HATES divorce. My heart says NO to divorce. Dad, Dione, mom, EVERYONE else says DIVORCE. Brian says divorce, not divorce, divorce… My heart says no. My heart says no… And no one cares about my pitiful heart. And WHERE ARE YOU GOD?? I’m waiting. I’ve BEEN waiting. Why can’t someone just tell me? I am crushed. I am destroyed. My heart is so broken. I don’t think I can go through with it. But if I don’t… What then?
This morning I called random, and some planned, churches, looking for a minister, to pray with me, and offer me some godly advice/guidance… Would you believe that I got NO ONE! I called five churches on the east coast. Not a one… I emailed Matt Maddix… Nothing. God is silent. He has forsaken me. It is because I filed for divorce. It is because Chris is right. I am being tormented by my demons. It’s all becoming too much. It’s more than I can bear. I think It really is. I have reached out this time. I have sought help every where. No help is coming to me. No help can be found. Maybe there just is no help for me. I am a lost cause. I have been called that so often in life… I, um, I don’t know where else to turn. I have no where else to turn. I tried to get help. No one wants to help me.
I look at my hands typing, and I feel like these hands are not my own. I feel like these hands are not my own, I feel like I am staring out of someone else’s eyes. Borrowing this body. It isn’t mine. It is time to shed this body, like a snake sheds his skin, a turtle his shell. I want to leave this world. It has nothing for me. It is time to move on. That is one thing they are all right about. It is time for me to move on. I am already condemned. I am unloved. It has been this way as far back as I can remember. I will be neither missed nor mourned. I am just not strong. I try to survive for my kids. I do my best. It is just getting so difficult. Can I really keep going? HOW do I keep going? Am I ruining their lives? Everyone tells me that I am. I don’t want to ruin their lives.