Remember that old song we used to sing?
“Have a little talk with Jesus
Tell Him all about your troubles.
He’ll hear you when you cry.
He’ll answer, by and by.”
I don’t really remember the rest of it too well, but, Thursday morning, on my way to the train station, I had a “little talk with Jesus.” I think He FINALLY answered me. I think that I heard His still small voice. Maybe I always heard it all along. Maybe it was always there, I just couldn’t hear it above the noise. The noise of my pain, the noise of my suffering, the noise of my hurt. MY noise was too dang loud! Everything else was so loud, I couldn’t hear Him. I wasn’t listening. Or, perhaps I didn’t want to hear. What was He saying? He said “Trust Me.” I said, “How can I trust You, when You’ve been silent? Where have You even been?” He’s been here all along. Each time He has wanted to work, or move, I have taken matters into my own hands, and tried to make things happen in my own way, in my own time. Never allowing Him to work…
It’s just so hard NOT to take matters into my own hands when He takes so long… Or when His plan doesn’t match up with mine. Or when I simply don’t know His plan. I want my marriage, my husband, Brian to come home. None of that is happening! Instead, Brian was dangled in front of me like a carrot! He played me! I got burned! And he did it ruthlessly! And I shouldn’t care, good riddance, right? But how do you stop the heart from longing, from loving? How do you stop the mind from reminding you of the tender moments? I feel so broken. Maybe it’s this damn rain. Maybe it’s the fact that I know that I’m about to face another lonely weekend. I will go home to an empty home. My phone won’t ring once. I’m alone. My life sucks and I’m fucking pathetic. 😦 I hate Fridays…