So today has been interesting, to say the least… This morning, I was reading through some of my older posts and came across a post that got me thinking about about “what might have been…” In any case, I took a chance. I sent a text message. I received a response. And guess what! It was favorable! So, maybe I don’t have to wonder… Maybe I can see! Maybe I can go to my Christmas party. Maybe I won’t be so lonely… There was a lot of good… He made me smile. He made me laugh. We would talk for hours… I’m finally getting divorced… He should be divorced by now?
So. Church today. I have to stop giving Brian power over my life. I have been miserable because I have been stuck on the wrong he has done to me, giving him power over my life. Why should I be miserable? Meanwhile he is living his life? The quality of my life is suffering because I have given him power over me. In my insecurity, I have searched for affirmation and validation from him, when I should be getting it from God. His opinion of me is the only one that matters. I have to stop giving Brian so much power! What he did to me – that moment has past. Time to move forward. I need to soak up the things of my Master. No one on this earth is more important. No one’s opinion of me matters. Now, if only I can believe that and put it to action! Haha.
Church builds you up, then you walk outside, and life hits you like a brick wall. Inside, there’s love. Then you walk outside, and you’re the same wretched, pathetic, pitiful, poor excuse of a soul,without a friend in the world, without anyone that loves you. You remember that you are despised. HATED amongst everyone. You remember how alone you are. You remember that no matter what pastor says, even God doesn’t love you. There is no hope for you. You ask yourself why you go on living? Then your thoughts are interrupted by a gentle: “Mommy?” And, you are reminded that you have three little souls depending on you. Three dear ones that love you, if no one else does. You are not alone. You are important. If to no one else, to them. They love you. They need you. They depend on you. They look up to you. They idolize you. You are their example. You can’t give up. You have to be strong! The burden is so heavy! It seems too much to bear, you have no one to share it with, but some how you find the strength. Somehow, you manage. Maybe God has not forgotten you. Maybe you aren’t forsaken. Maybe He hears your cries. Maybe He feels your pain. Maybe He is slowly easing your burdern, slowly lifting the weight off of your shoulders. Maybe one day you will come to realize that it isn’t that bad. Maybe one day you will realize that you had to go through this alone in order to minister to someone. Maybe you will realize that you are going through this alone so that you can become strong. Maybe it is so that you can learn to lean on the Most High. Maybe it is for your best. Maybe you should rest a know that He is God, and He has a plan. You may not know it yet, but His word is true! “All things work together for the good of them that love the Lord.” “Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning.”
This has just been a really LONG night. Isn’t high time the sun rise? I can’t see the light. Dark are my days. All I see is darkness all around. I weep as though I mourn. When will this mourning end? When will my soul find rest? When will my heart learn joy again? I mourn. I mourn. I mourn. I try to move ahead. I am stuck. I have to get out of this pit. I know that I will. But when? How? Things are not what I thought. Not turning out how I imagined. I want to stop loving him. Why won’t God take that away, make this easier?
Now that I have stopped crying… I must say, I am becoming “popular” again… Is it making me feel good? Not really. I guess just because, not with who I want. Haha. Goodness gracious, KoalaBaby, MOVE ON ALREADY! Give a nice man a chance! The idiot you’re pining for HATES you! Give a man who could LOVE you a chance! You want to be loved, and accepted, right? You want someone that will be loyal? He’s out there! And, clearly, it isn’t the dude that you married, and he left you how many times before finally abandoning you for good? You really want that back? To be so smart, you are really DUMB sometimes. *sigh* I love myself. Hah! Somebody, besides my kids, has to… Okay… I go make dinner now…