Waking up on the right side of the bed sucks.

So, I woke up with some common sense in this big head that the Lord gave me. Yes, yesterday was tough. Today may even be tougher. However, I am a child of God. I respect myself. I respect my body. Men are dogs, after one thing only. I’ve made it this far on my own. I’ve survived this long. I will continue to make it. I will continue to thrive, to survive. God is with me. Last night I was speaking with the kids, lamenting over the fact that I will be alone for Christmas. Michaela goes, “You won’t be alone. God will be with you.” Yeah. God will be with me. He is always with me. Isn’t He? I really considered starting up a relationship with “Champ.” (Remember mention of him back, oh 160 some odd days ago?) But, it wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be the relationship I’d want. It’d be me and Brian all over again. Heck, why do that to myself. I’m still whirling from Brian, I love him so. I need to just deal with the pain. And I will. I will just face it – feel it. And my goodness it HURTS! It hurts so bad! And I love him so much! So, I will feel it. I won’t bury it in another man. The time isn’t now. When the time is right, God will send me a man. A man that will love me. A man that I will love. Or maybe He won’t. Maybe I won’t ever be with anyone again. A possibility I have to really face. I think it is my fate – to be alone. I won’t settle. And right now… I love my husband – should I consider him to be my ex-husband? I better get used to saying it… In about a month, I will no longer be his wife. Won’t he be so happy. My sadness makes him so happy. Time for me to get up out of this pit of despair. Ugh, I just need a lifeline! I have none left. I can’t phone a friend – because I have none. He was my best friend. He and Chris were my only friends – now they’re both my mortal enemies. They both hate my guts. The Ex-Husbands Club hahaha…. They gang up on me. They hate me. I guess I deserve it? I don’t know. I always mean well… “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Boy, am I ever in hell with all of my good intentions that always backfire on me. Me and my dumbass… I really hate myself. They hate me? Well I hate me more. They get to run away from me. But I’m stuck. Even if I kill myself. I’m stuck in eternity – in hell – with me. As is being ME isn’t punishment enough. God hates me. Why do I exist? Why can’t it all stop? The pain is too much. I know why I must endure, but it’s so hard. “The show must go on!” 

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