Words to live by, eh? Allow me to begin by saying that I L.O.V.E. the church that I am attending. GTAM, I think it’s Greater Truth and Apostolic Ministries(?) under Pastor Mike Miller. I LOVE this church. It is free of all the UPC politics, but the same doctrine/values. And, the word! Oh, the word that he delivers every Sunday is just so ON POINT! It always hits so close to home! Today was no different! The gist of last Sunday’s message was to stop giving other’s power over our lives, in order to lead a better quality of life.
Then, today, he ministered out of John 16:19-22, 33. He began by saying that there will always challenges in life, but we can still enjoy the life we live. When we go through our hardships, and challenges in life, we allow them to too deeply, and too long impact our life. We lose perspective of time. Hardships aren’t meant to last forever. They aren’t meant to be unto death. They last for a moment. Sometimes, we live with a constant dread of the sorrow that will come, that we forget to enjoy today. He used pregnancy as an example. Often times, women don’t even enjoy being pregnant because they are so worried about the baby’s arrival, that they forget to stop and enjoy the miracle that is taking place right then. (So true!) As long as we are alive, we are going to go through STUFF! We will have sorrows, and hardships, and we will mourn. Still, that should not interfere with enjoying the life that we live. Jesus suffered too. He didn’t WANT to suffer. No one does. He prayed, “…let this cup pass from me… nevertheless, no My will, but Thy will be done.” Even Jesus asked for a way out of the suffering of the cross. But, in order to get to the JOY, He had to endure the SUFFERING. Trying to ESCAPE the SUFFERING will make you MISS the JOY. And before you get to the END, a head game will ensue. Tempting you to quit. Tempting you give up. When you do, you’ll miss the joy. But if you just press on, you’ll achieve your joy. Just like a runner sprints it out the last leg, you have to give it your all, just when you think you want to give up, but you are that close to your joy. Hebrews 12 tells us how to deal with life’s trials.
Now, as it applies to me, right now, my interpretation: My struggle, my trial, my hardship, is the fact that my husband left me, and I love him. It turned my world upside down when he left me. Now I am about a month away from a divorce, and it feels like the worse thing in my life. A trivial hardship to some, but to me, losing him was like losing a piece of me. It has been like he died! I have no closure. How does a love just end? How can a person be left loving another, when he doesn’t love you back? He stole my joy. Pastor, you mean, I can still have joy? You mean this pain won’t last forever? You mean, I can smile and mean it? You mean depression doesn’t have to weigh me down? You mean I can enjoy the life I have without Brian? You mean I’m not dead inside? You mean there is more to me? You mean just because he hates me, and wishes I was dead, doesn’t have to dictate my life? There is joy on the other side of this? I catch glimpses of that joy.
What am I trying to achieve with my life? I am trying to raise my kids to be happy, well-adjusted adults. I am trying to do the best I can to offer them wisdom in my life choices, and decisions. I am trying to make it to heaven. I want my kids to make it to heaven. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
I need to sit down one of these days and formulate some long-term, and short-term goals… Give myself some direction… I was supposed to do that when I got back from Kentucky and never did… Shame on me. I have accepted that Brian is never coming back to me, as much as I love him. I have even made steps to move on. I think I have met a really nice man. Granted, I think I will stay single, but, I am doing what it takes. This morning, I was in the shower, and it hit me. Then I was about 5 miles from the kids, when it hit me again. And when it hits, oh, it hits like a ton of bricks! It just aches so badly! You lost him. And it instantly sends me reeling. A mind game? A set-back? A mind game meant to set me back? When will it end? When will the impact not hurt so badly? Why do I still love him? He is SO MEAN TO ME! I mean, he goes out of his way to be a JERK on colossal levels! But, my heart still long for him 😦 Stupid heart. I’m a dumb girl. I love myself, I swear I do, but I can’t stand that stupid romantic nature about myself. I wish I were at cod and heartless as he. I mean, he just HATES me. He gets joy off of degrading me. He enjoys making me cry. I try not to show it, but he just KNOWS. Jerk. It would be easier if he left me alone completely. But, nothing is ever EASY! This thing called life… SMH…