Reconciliation = ?

So, here I am, sitting outside of Room 105, at the Pierce County Courthouse. Brian and I are going to drop our divorce. Imagine, in two weeks from today, our divorce would have been finalized, over, caput, bye-bye Brian. Yet, here we sit, in an attempt to reconcile. I have to wonder why are we doing this?! Reconciliation is a funny thing. There are so many emotions that are  inter  twined with reconciliation. SHAME. Shame is an emotion that is prevailing amongst my emotions. I am ashamed to let my friends and family know that we are reconciling. The friends and family that do know have shamed me for my decision. “After all he’s done to you?!” “You’ve come so far!” “You were so happy!” “Why can’t you just enjoy dating?” Even my child has shamed me! This feels awful! Then there is the UNCERTAINTY. Am I doing the right thing? Am I making the right choice? Is this a mistake? My questions and thoughts echo what friends and family say… Though I want to throw caution to the wind, and just go with it… There is something stopping me… That uncertainty, I suppose. NOSTALGIA. How can we be together and not remember the good times? He seems to remember more than I… He has to remind me. I think in the past six months, I did a giant dump, trying to forget him. He is experiencing loads of nostalgia, it seems. Not so much me… 

So, what is this reconciliation? Well, we left the courthouse, having filed our Notice of Joint Reconciliation with the Clerk’s Office… We have six months before the entire this is dismissed automatically, unless we want to file a dismissal… He wants it completely dismissed… I like the 6 month cushion… Let’s be real here, there is a HUGE chance we will not work out… So what does that make this reconciliation? Does it make it sincere on his part, and not on mine? I think I could go either way. He was “swayed” because I had said that I didn’t know what I had until I lost it (him)… But what he failed to realize is that what I said was all past tense. Though he was/is stuck in the past, I’m not – I wasn’t. I moved on… Meeting S was… I liked S… A lot. I was content to move on with him. I was ready to be divorced, which is why I moved on (finally). I always told myself if there was a chance with my husband, no matter what, I would take it. So, I did… Right choice? Uncertainty. 

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