Tired of Being Sorry

In Beyonce’s words: I ain’t sorry. I ain’t sorry. Nigga nah! 

Why should I apologize for thinking of my husband? Why should I apologize for sharing pieces of my day with my husband? Why should I apologize for sharing my thoughts with my husband? Why should I apologize for sharing my feelings with my husband? OH! You mean besides the fact that he neither loves me nor cares about anything to do with me? He despises the very air I breathe. He loathes my existence. He wishes I were dead. Why won’t I kill myself already?? Well, because I love myself, my kids, my God, and there is so much more to live for than a sorry excuse of a husband… 

I hurt knowing that I mean so little to him. Knowing that he can just walk away and stay gone at the drop of a hat. I deserve better. This time, I am not mourning him. This time, I am pressing forward. I pray for God to endow me and the kids with strength to endure the pain of rejection, and be stronger than before. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. There is a song for our souls to sing. 

I cannot pray for reconciliation, as I had last time. I cannot pray for his return. All I can pray for is strength to endure. God grants strength. In the end it’s His will, not mine – not even Brian’s. But it is not God’s will that any man should suffer… I pray that my kids’ hearts’ can find peace. I pray that the sting of rejection does not effect the rest of their life. I pray for peace in my soul. I pray for strength through the hard days. I pray that I do not allow rejection to define me.

Truth is, I am in so much pain. Truth is, I don’t even understand this. Truth is, I don’t think I’m willing to reconcile, because beyond the hurt, I’m bitter. You see there’s another man. Not my man. His man. Dan. Dan has come between our relationship from the start. Brian told me that his relationship with Dan would last longer than our (marriage) and that is ringing true. I did some Facebook stalking, Dan is friends with his dad and his little sister. The perfect boyfriend. His family never accepted me. But they accept this man-friend. Hah. I’m the idiot here. He has taken up fly-fishing with Dan. Ugh, I have to stop before I cry. My husband left me for another man. Sad.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s