It hurts. For a while, I thought I was doing better than the first time.. And, in truth, I am. I am still in school, I do okay at work, I’m not dating anyone, nor do I want to. But, if I’m honest with myself, I hurt. I’ve been reading these books on rejection and separation – Christian books, you know? And I’ve been facing emotions that I wanted to bury. It’s a good thing. But it aches.
Today, Pastor spoke about Elijah and the juniper tree and how his journey didn’t end there. Elijah was depressed and couldn’t eat and just lay under that tree, but God told him to get up and eat because he his journey was great. I thought about that, and how it applied to my life… Life goes on.. God’s plan for my life doesn’t stop because my husband walked out on me. Now he may NEVER come back, but I’m still bought with a price. I’m still one of HIS.
I beat myself up because I made mistakes. I provoked Brian to wrath. He also did some things – worse than my words. He laid hands on me. Still, I apologized and tried to make it right. I just can’t forgive myself for the words I said. Brian shows me there is no forgiveness. He shows me no matter what I am not worthy of love. I am reminded of the scripture “Husbands love your wives as Christ has loved the church…” Hah! I pray Christ has more mercy. He did for us afterall.
But, here, back here. Rejected.