Autumn, a Time of Change

Autumn is a time in my life of many changes and has been for many years.

2011 – I had just graduated Basic and AIT and moved to Washington. It was a new start.

2012 – I was returning was Afghanistan and everything had changed. My marriage to my best friend and the love of my life was over.

2013 – My divorce from Chris was finalized while I was in the field (Yakima) for 30 days. Shortly after, Brian, Jaide, and I drove down to Portland, and Brian and I got married.

2014 – Brian went AWOL, wound up in a mental hospital in Mountainhome, ID, taking us on a whirlwind of troubles. I got out of the Army, reluctantly on a Family Care Plan, just as my career was picking up, and his was plummeting, because he was ruining mine alongside his.

2015 – After Brian had left me in the late spring, I was attending church, had stopped my string of useless first dates, and was doing well at work, and on my own and focusing on the kids. Brian asked to work on the marriage. Reluctantly, I agreed. Believing in forgiveness and multiple chances as God gives us.

2016 – Brian has left again, late summer. Lied on me, divorcing me. I am not angry, bitter, or negative in the least. I am not dating. I am focusing on God, myself, and my kids (yes, in that order).

I realize looking at my little timeline that NOTHING changed over the past three years. I spent this time of year alone, for whatever reason, for the past three years. It is time for change. There is no should. There is only is and was. There is only what I have done and what I will do from this point forward. What I will do will be nothing like what I have done. It is time for change. No more making the same mistakes. I will not wait for the new year to make resolutions for change. With the autumn comes change. This is a season of old things falling away. Winter is coming, things may seem desolate, cold, and alone, but I cannot wait for spring! To walk in a newness! There will be a rebirth of so many things. The opportunities that will occur. I already know of one. I will be graduating with my Bachelor’s degree, and beginning my Master’s program shortly after. That’s something great to anticipate. So happy that nothing lasts forever, but only for a season. I can look at autumn for the beauty that that it holds. I can rest up in winter, as the bears do, because springtime will be a busy time.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know that everything is as it should be. When I finally allowed myself to accept the circumstances that surround me, I find myself in perfect peace, able to see the beauty in things. When I moved to Washington, I hated autumn. Perhaps because I was in the Army, and it meant picking up the fallen leaves before dismissal each day. However, to admire the beauty of the colors of the trees, the reds, yellows, purples, and browns… To crunch the leaves under my shoe. To know that this only lasts for a short amount of time. Soon, all of the leaves will have fallen. Soon, we will give way to winter’s barren tree branches, brown grass, icy roads, rainy days, and the possibility of snow. Nothing lasts.

I remember when my sister told me that: “Nothing lasts forever.” I pondered it for days… Well, it’s been over two years, and let’s be real, I’m still pondering that statement. How real it is! Nothing lasts forever. Not pain, not joy, not anger, not sadness. Nothing we feel or do – good or bad – lasts forever. The consequences may last for a while. We may die while serving out our consequence, however, nothing lasts forever. When I married Chris, I thought I would love him forever – not be able to live without him. He was my best friend. I knew him better than I knew anyone else. Chris and I shared a special bond (as most first loves do). We finished one another’s sentences. We practically spoke our own language. We were one. We were practically the same person. His gaze felt like a caress on my skin. However, that did not last. I feel nothing towards him. There is nothing between us. I do not remember what loving him felt like. I cannot even recall how I managed to love him. He is more of a stranger to me than anything. Then there is Brian. We never bonded, never became one. I jumped into the relationship too soon. It was doomed from the start. I thought I could create something out of nothing. However, with a foundation of lies and a partner that continually lies and is full of deceitful ways, how can you build on that? I tried. I loved him. However, our expectations were different. I had a productive married relationship, and I wanted that. Brian was selfish and wanted to take all that he could, all the while not being equal. What was his was his. What was mine was ours. My feelings were never taken into account. If I voiced my opinion or feelings, I was “attacking” him. When I’m like, “Dude, I was just trying to get a little comfort because I had a bad day at work.” They say psychological and emotional abuse are worse that physical. I would attest to the truth in that assessment. It is no wonder that though I gave it another shot, we are back where we were a year ago. This time does not hurt nearly as bad. I feel almost fully recovered. It’s almost like I put my goals on a brief hold. Granted my savings took a HUGE loss because of him. However, it will all work out in the end. I will save it all up. I will do what I need to do to get where I was, and beyond. I am emotionally MUCH better than I was a year ago. I can say THANK YOU to Brian for doing me this favor.

I am optimistic about the change that is coming!

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