I love God, I love myself, I love my life

I love God, I love myself, I love my life. I love God, I love myself, I love my life… And so goes my mantra whenever negative thoughts enter my mind, and you know what, those thoughts leave immediately! 

I read this book, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, not too long ago. I’ve had it for years, but could never get through it. It is only 57 pages. Perhaps I was just not ready to read the words penned by the author. Perhaps I was just not ready to love myself. Life has a way – with its ups and downs – to get you to a point where you either sink or you swim. Many times I have stood on the brink, knowing “this is my last day on earth, I can endure no more of this suffering.” Only to begin again. As it would turn out, there is a fighter – a barbarian – dwelling inside of me! I have such a will to survive, such a will to live, such a will to thrive, even in the face of adversity… When I know I should quit, when all of the odds are against me, when the world has turned its back on me. When I haven’t a friend to call my own, still I have this will to fight, this will to live. So, why not… Why not love me? No one else may love me, so I will.

I love God. God loves me. He died for me. Perhaps He gave His life for no one else. He gave it for me. He knew I would hurt. He felt it on the cross. He felt my pain and suffering. The bible says in Psalm 34:18 KJV “The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” When I am at my lowest, and my heart is broken, I know that my God is near to me. Perhaps He is nearer to me in those times than any other time. Perhaps He is closer to me than anyone else, because my heart is so broken. In any case, I love God. He loves me unconditionally. He loves me when I do not deserve it. He loves me without reason. He loves me though I am a sinner. He loves me through my weakness. He loves me at my lowest point. His love never fails. Through His correction, I am made perfect. So, yes, for this reason, and so many more, I love God.

I love myself. Can I list the reasons why? Do I know the reasons? At the end of the day, I am all that I have. I cannot expect anyone to love me, especially if I do not love myself first. I want to fall madly, deeply, and passionately in love with myself. I want to have a sensuous love affair with myself. I have heard it said I need to be comfortable enough to go on dates with myself, go to dinner, the movies… You know what? I’m going to do it! Not a fast food restaurant either, haha. But a real restaurant. I’m going to dress nice, and treat myself to dinner. Loving myself will be the part I will find most difficult, and will require the most concentration and the most effort. I do not believe that I have ever loved me, nor that I know how. I grew up never feeling worthy of love. Only now am I willing, and attempting to change it. No one, save my children,  has loved me. I have felt so unworthy. Time for a change.

I love my life. Right now I do not. But, I am working towards a life I love. I will be done with my Bachelor’s degree, working on my Master’s and I am strongly considering pursuing my Doctorate. I have goals. No one will hold me back. Right now I am in a tough place where it seems as though everything is falling apart, but I can still love the life I lead, right? I can still be happy with the way things are. Only, I’m not. But, I will be. One day. I have accepted my role in the downfall of my marriage. I have accepted my poor choices which brought me here today. They are but minor setbacks. They do not dictate my life. I am so lonely. I don’t know how to get out and meet people and make friends. That is my reality – my life. Such bad things have happened in my life that destroyed my confidence, but I am working to rebuild it. Life – my life – is good. I love my life. 

I love God. I love myself. I love my life.

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