img_2734Today was especially difficult for me. I found myself wavering. God has not spoken to me. He has not revealed His divine plan to me, nor has He answered any of my questions, or my prayers. There are those from another lifetime… They are here. They’ve been waiting. Waiting to treat me well, waiting for a chance to be with me. Just waiting for a chance for me to give them the time of day. Funny how that happens. I de-value myself so much, yet to others, I am a queen. I am special. I am on this pedestal. A pedestal that admittedly I fear I am unworthy to be placed. For so long I have been with these men that have placed such little value on me that I scarcely know my own worth. To hear men tell me that they are “afraid to talk to me” “I am way out of their league” “I am beautiful” is surprising to hear.

In my heart I want to wait for God to show me what to do, not take it in my own hands. I want His will, not my own. So easy to fall into flattery… But I cannot waver. Funny how mistakes of the past creep up at moments of weakness. I can be in my metaphorical prayer closet, touching God, when I’ll get a text message, that will snatch me right out of His presence. Why did I even let them in? Because I was lonely, because I needed affirmation. Because I was at a low point. Because it’s not that I don’t think God can’t do it – I think He won’t. I still do not understand why this is happening. I cannot fight it. I cannot even ask God for anything. I can only pray His will be done. Turns out, His will is for me to hurt like this. Turns out His will is for me and my kids to endure hard times. Turns out His will is for us to endure loss. I do not ask why, I can only hope for light at the end of this tunnel. I do not ask for help. I just suffer in silence. I try not to let the kids see me cry. When someone asks how I’m doing, I tell them, “I’m okay.” I tell them I don’t need anything, though I can barely manage, and we are barely getting by.

My faith is waning. I know God is there, I am just doubting that He is there for me. I know He is loves everyone, I am just doubting that He loves me. Perhaps He has forgotten me. My faith is running out. If I continue to waver like this, I may lose my faith completely. I can’t lose my faith again. I look to the sky, but it is empty. My prayers fall on deaf ears. God does not hear me. I feel so lost. I can’t…

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