On Deaf Ears

I pray to God, and He doesn’t hear me. I ask for direction, I ask for help, I ask for hope. All I am met with is silence. My prayers do not reach heaven. My cries fall on deaf ears. I am falling apart. The little bit that I am trying to do to hold myself together is not working. Never have I felt so alone in this world. Never have I felt so completely, and utterly lost. It feels as though I am losing everything. I need one shred of hope to on to. I beg God for that hope. Hope evades me. Instead, there in the mailbox I find one more thing to tear at me in my weakness. Oh God, can’t you hear my cry? Oh God, why are my prayers falling on deaf ears? My prayers aren’t reaching heaven. My tears aren’t making it into Your hands. How is it that I am unworthy of Your grace? How is it that the more I seek You, the farther away You are from me? I have been chasing after You, yet You evade me. No hope remains for me.

Amidst all of the suicides taking place around me, I wonder, why not just give up, why not just give in, what is the point of my sorry excuse of a life? It feels almost sadistic to continue living like this. As a client put it: If I weren’t afraid of a fiery afterlife, I’d kill myself. FEAR. Fear is what ultimately keeps me alive. Will there be a point when the pain overrides my fear? I have come dangerously close. What stops me then? Not God. He doesn’t hear my cries. Why don’t You hear my cries? Why don’t You feel my heart breaking? You said in Your word that You wouldn’t put more on us than we could bear. I can’t bear anymore. Hah. It isn’t true anyway. If it were true OJ wouldn’t have killed himself. SGT Alcantara wouldn’t have killed himself. Altre wouldn’t have tried to kill herself. All of these kids here wouldn’t have tried to kill themselves. Brian wouldn’t have tried to kill himself all of those times. I keep trying. God, I come to You, I call to You. Why don’t You hear me? Is my prayer not sincere enough? I went to Brian and tried to fix whatever animosity he could have with me. I have forgiven him. I have done my part. I come before You fully exposed, why have You turned Your back on me?

I accept my part in what is happening. I accept what is happening. But for everything else that is happening as a result. I ask for help. I ask for direction, I ask for guidance, I need YOU, God. Where are YOU? Why have You left me alone? Why do my prayers fall on deaf ears? God has forsaken me. I feel so alone. I am so alone. One this this will all be over. One day I will look back and remember when things looked so bleak, and know that God was here all along… Right? If I make it that long.

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