And just like that, it hit me. The “Holiday Blues.” The stark realization that I will be spending the holidays alone this year… Well, not quite alone. I work overnight, Christmas Eve into Christmas Day, then I volunteered to work a double, so I won’t get off work until 3pm Christmas Day… Kids won’t come home until the morning of the 26th. Christmas really isn’t that big, or important of a holiday for me, or at least it never has been in the past, but this is the first one that I am spending alone.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happily divorced, I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I feel good that I will get to be with my kiddos here at work, since I can’t be with my bio-kids. They are all excited for me to be at work on Christmas. Most of them don’t even have family coming to visit. I should not be blue. Yet, how can I not? I have no family here! I feel so alone! I have a couple invites. Catherine invited me to dinner on Christmas Day, spaghetti and wine in our PJs, haha! Love her! Cris invited me to dinner on Christmas Eve, Mexican, he wants me to come early and make flan with him… Maybe?
I know that I’m not alone, I don’t know what I’m crying about… Yes I do. I miss my family! A whole stinking year since I’ve seen them – over a year! What am I doing with my life? I wasted so much time in that stupid marriage, I did not do the things that made me happy. I make good money. I didn’t spend it on myself or my kids. I threw it away paying someone else’s bills. But it’s in the past. I won’t make any stupid New Year’s Resolutions, not like I’d keep them any way, the only thing I will say is this: It’s going to be a better year. As much as I want to move back to Florida, the only thing taking me there is the cheap houses. But, heck, I can buy a house here, maybe further south in WA, or north? I really don’t want to leave my church. I don’t want to be anywhere near Ruthie or Sylvester, let’s be honest. What does FL have for me? (Josh Simpson?) Ahahaha!!! Just kidding 🙂 He’s cute, immature, and doesn’t know how to hold a conversation. Such a pity, what a waste of all those muscles… *Sigh*
I should finish my homework… I feel better now 🙂