“Let me ask you a question…”

Everyone has a question for me, I don’t really have any answers. I fake the funk as best as I can, when in all actuality, I am falling apart.

1. Which was harder, getting over the person or the situation? Getting over Chris was hard. It took me three years to get over him. Getting over the way Brian left me was difficult. He just abandoned me. Left everything behind. Beat me, and left. Lied on me. How does one get over that? I did nothing wrong. Yet, I felt as though I were a monster.

2. Will you ever get married again? NO.

(Which leads to…)

3. But won’t you be lonely? Maybe. Heck, I am lonely. But marriage, I cannot see myself becoming ensnared with again. What I would like is a long-term companion/partner. That piece of paper that constitutes a marriage screws things up, for starters. Additionally, I can have a fulfilling relationship without the constraints of a marriage. I feel as though I stand to lose so much from a marriage. I bring so much to the table – I have so much to offer – why waste it again?

I mean, sure, I want to be in a loving, committed relationship… BUT, let’s be real, does that even exist? Can I even find that? I was married twice! Once for love, once for…. Who knows?! But I gave all of myself in both of those marriages and got screwed over both times. Now, whether I am jaded, or what, I don’t know, but I cannot, will not give what I am not willing to lose. I’ll tell ya, that ain’t much.

I was at work last night and I was thinking… and it hit me, and I was like, why did Josh have to get into so much trouble and wind up on 6 years probation? I don’t even think I want to move back to Florida. He’d be the easy choice because at least I already know him. (I’m a lazy-dater.) It’s sad when I think about it. Because he thinks I could be “the one.” And very well could be right. He could never be “the one.” Staying in trouble. I wanted to move back to Florida soooo bad, now I’m not so sure. Funny how that works? Sigh… I’ll just enjoy the solitary life I’m living. It ain’t bad.

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