I sit here at work – should be writing this paper – but I’m not… I have just been overwhelmingly SAD these last several days. I mean all in the feels. Like, crying and carrying on. I don’t know what the hell has gotten into me! Depression? Yeah. Depression. I am at this bewildered state of what now? Like, what is next in my life? I’m almost done with school. I don’t even think I’m going to go for my Master’s afterall… I kind of want to, oh I don’t know, enjoy life! Hah! Imagine that?!
Then, there’s work… Where is work taking me? No where. I don’t feel accomplished. But I don’t want a 9-5 job. I want the flexibility. I suppose if I file my claim for narcolepsy I’ll get my 100%, and actually get to have that… *sigh* I’m so dang lazy… And yeah! This damn sleep thing! I get nothing accomplished because all I do is sleep! What gives?! I can’t even wake up to take my medication, and when I take it, I still can’t stay awake. I’m falling again…
The doctors tell me that sleep disturbances and mood go hand-in-hand. Maybe? Or maybe my life sucks, and I’m a wee bit psycho. I feel psycho. I really can’t wait for the kids to grow up. That probably sounds horrible. But I am going to become an international flight attendant, haha! See the world. I have no roots anyway.
My goodness! This divorce really messed with my mind. Like, I was okay – at least I thought I was. Now, suddenly, I’m not okay. Now, suddenly, I am lonely. Now, suddenly, I’m like why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Now, suddenly, I am angry… and sad all at once. I never wanted to be divorced again. Why did I have to go through that? I’ll probably end up alone. Guys only want to have sex. I’m more than that.
Maybe my expectations are too high? I mean, I does a man exist that has a decent job, can take care of himself, makes me feel like a woman (easier said than done when the PNW is full of metros), is in shape, treats me with respect, loves Jesus, fun to be around, knows how to use “your, you’re, there, their, they’re.” THAT’S NOT ASKING TOO MUCH?! Right? Right??? Lol…
It’ll never happen.
Married losers?! Talking about, “I got your number from my wife’s phone, she doesn’t know. Ever since I met you, there’s something about you. So when can I see you?” Um, ask your wife fool. “No, no she doesn’t know, I want to encourage you.” Encourage your wife, what do I look like? I’m single not desperate!
Encouragement… Hah! As if *eye roll* Even if I was sex starved, last thing I would do is touch a married man. I just can’t stand these dudes that are all like, “I’ve liked you forever.” I mean grow a pair. I am not that great! Couldn’t you find somebody else instead of waiting around for me?! L.O.S.E.R. How am I supposed to respect you?
I love my kids! They are wonderful beings! But I swear, when they pour my cereal, it’s always like half a bowl! I’m like fill it up! I want a LOT! They always want to bring me breakfast in bed, and I don’t have the heart to say no, but I’m always like, “A big bowl!” In my sweet mama voice. And they’re always like, “Okay!” In their lying to mama voice. Then they bring me my bowl, and I’m like nooooooo, I said a BIG bowl!!! But instead I smile and say “Thank you!” And eat it, then ask for another bowl. Then they judge me! Lol. And I’m like “Yes, I asked for a lot, and you gave me a little. I’m a big girl!” Hahaha! So sweet, they still haven’t learned.
Sylvia Plath said all of the important things in my post. I really didn’t say anything of worth. Just ranting… because I am sad, and I am lonely, and Sylvia Plath is the only one who understands! She gets me! She’s my soul-sister. Lol. Or just a suicidal poet with whom I identify – except I am neither suicidal, nor a poet. But we both married assholes. I married two, but who’s counting, ha.ha. I wish the world would drop dead at the close of my eyes and only the pieces I wished to revive would come alive when I opened them. The world is a crappy place, and only becoming crappier. I am not happy. I was, once upon a time. But, I have made some terrible decisions. Now, I am forced to live with the consequences of my decisions. I am sad and sorry for thise mistakes. I am regretful.
I know it all stems from love loss. I just need another distraction. A better one this time. One that I can actually love. My problem is, I believe in soul mates. I believe that he was/is my soul mate. No one will ever measure up to him. I don’t want to be with him. But I love him. Haha, okay, in my mind I just had an Oprah Winfrey in the Color Purple moment. “I loves Harpo God knows I do.” Buahaha!!!
I had to! Okay! I need to write this paper! Seriously!!! Annyeong!