Trials

I have been on quest, on which I did not know I set.  I am discovering more and more.  I am not wanting to discover some of the things I am discovering.  This quest is hard.  This quest is lonely.  This quest is so lonely.  It is so painful.  I am having to deal with things that I never intended to face again.  Yet, here I am, standing up against adversity, fighting the good fight.  My children are being attacked, therefore, I am being attacked on every front.  I can see things as I did before.  Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”  Isn’t that so true?

I told Michaela just the other day… “Growing up in the church, and walking away is like cheating on God.  You will never again achieve the intimacy that you had.  It will be forever lost.”  I was wrong.  It may take longer to get there.  It surely takes more work.  But with a willing, contrite heart, you will achieve it once again.

I am watching a Chinese Drama entitled Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms (aka Eternal Love).  Now, this drama deals with “gods” and “goddesses” and of course the “heavenly lord,” whom lives in the celestial palace in the nine heavens (not just any immortal can live there, or even visit).  In any case, in order become a high god, or goddess, or even make it to the next level, these beings must endure trials.  They do not realize at the moment that they are going through “heavenly trials.”  Some try to escape these “heavenly trials,” however they will never reach their potential, or a higher status, if they never endure the trial.  Even after the trial, they do not always realize that they have endured the trial.  This speaks to me in such a way, as I endure the trials of life, and I am drawn closer to the one true God.

I look back on the trials that I have endured, and the trials that I am enduring right now.  I think about the trials my children are facing…  Just tonight, my daughter sent me text message stating: (Aiden said) I’m gonna shoot myself in the head and live in hell for the rest of my life.  Oh, if only he could get the revelation that hell is not something to take so lightly. It is not something that ends.  It is eternal.  There is no ending.  It continues forever.  He was doing so well…

SN: I went on a field trip (Thursday) with Aiden, and the fourth graders, to the State Capitol.  It was a beautiful field trip.  We had a wonderful time.  But, the depressive spirit on those children!img_3688

This was my group.  Of course, Aiden is on the left, then Levin (he is a twin), Triana, and Helena.  Triana lived in our neighborhood, that poor girl could never manage a real smile, she was not happy at all, though she said she was.  Helena, I am surprised she smiled in the picture.  She is afraid of people, huge social-phobia.  Though she has to use the restroom, she refuses to do so if anyone else is in the bathroom.  I met her last time on bathroom guard duty.  I sat with Helena on the bus back to school, and was overcome with such depression!  I had to pray, and rebuke that spirit.  I prayed, in turn for that little girl as well.  I kept reminding myself the entire day:  we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.  When we would sit, and listen to a briefing, I would just watch the children, and the expressions on their faces…  Oh the despair that would cross their faces!  Their was a gal, Maggie, she was heavy, stood my height, 5’1″, maybe a tad taller, and she looked so pained.  My heart is breaking for the upcoming generations.  I had a talk with Aiden and Michaela that night.  I told them to guard themselves, pray every morning before school, put on the whole armor of Christ.  img_3703These poor kids, they don’t know how to smile and be happy…  This was the BEST picture, out of the umpteen pictures I took…  Sad, right?  It is a struggle…

A coworker came tonight and told us that her sister’s boyfriend killed himself, and her sister feels responsible.  Her sister started dating this guy, ironically, after Brian left me.  And, from stories, he mentally, sounded like Brian.  Well, the sister tried breaking up with him numerous times, and he just would not take no for an answer (Brian).  And, he went to her apartment, and just stayed there all day, and wouldn’t leave… When he finally left, he killed himself.  She feels responsible.  My heart dropped.  I haven’t heard from Brian since last week.  All of this sounds like him.  But, I don’t think it is.  Hope not.  TRIAL!!!  Getting over what he did to me.  Somewhere love remains.  When I think I am okay, and I am doing just fine, the hurt hits me out of no where.  I try not to focus on it.  I am trying not to become angry and bitter.  It is becoming HARD.  I just paid off the car.  That’s a positive.

Ramsey keeps trying to go out with me.  I think I could like him.  He seems like he could fit my list.  I want to be completely healed before I start a relationship with potential.  Plus, dealing with the after effects of the mistakes with Woodie.  I mean, not that we’ll go out, and POOF!  I’m his girlfriend…  I can go out with him.  Just see…  Maybe I will…  Next week.  Or the week after.  Next week is going to be hecka busy.  So, after…

So much is happening.  God is still on the throne.  He is still good ALL the time, and I will continue to praise Him at all times, and glorify Him in all that I do.

 

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