Just don’t know what to do with myself. Don’t know just what to do with myself. Planning everything for two. Doing everything for you. And now that we’re through. I just don’t know what to do! (Channeling my Cameron Diaz voice in My Best Friend’s Wedding).
Lately, I have had been dealing with a struggle in my mind. It’s like, What am I supposed to think when forever just doesn’t last as long he promised me? I know I need to just move on, and for the most part, I have. I can listen to songs without sadness, or memories. I can go places without anxiety. Yesterday, my doctor appointment was across from his school, if he even still goes, and I had not the slightest inclinination to venture over. Instead, I wanted to not be seen. I have no interest in dating, or filling my free time with random men. I am focused of God, church, home, kids, work, and school. My life is full. My life is empty. My life is okay the way it is. I am lonely, but not alone.
These two divorces: Chris and Brian, really did a number on me. I went through the divorce process three times. I do not see another relationship in my future. I originally prayed fervently, and repeatedly, Lord, don’t let me be alone. Let me find a lasting love. I want to get married again, blah, blah… But, I don’t know. I was fooling myself. I am not worthy. I have been divorced twice! One, who would want me? And two, I don’t want to do it again. I am too scarred. My heart has been shattered. I have resigned myself to being single for the remainder of my life, no matter how long, or short. I feel silly for feeding into CG’s b.s. and making a list…
I went for a walk at the park yesterday, and saw this lovely elderly couple holding hands and walking. I had a longing. Then, I suppressed that sucker! I can only wish this for my children, my siblings, my parents, my family and my friends. I will never have it for myself. I’m okay with that. I’m learning to live each day for myself. Soon, the kids will be grown and gone. I’ll be left to myself. I can do it! I decided not to leave WA and go home, so I have to be especially strong, doing things on my own. I can do it.