Mindfulness

I had to go to a DBT Behavioral Training at work today.  It was great until we had to practice “mindfulness.”  Okay, so I have lead youth through mindfulness – and I am supposed to be doing it for the STOP study for my TBI, but I have not.  Okay, I refuse.  But, I did today.  I mean I had to.  I’m a new supervisor.  I have to be a leader, blah, blah.  So, we did the guided imagery.  “Imagining a safe place.”  My safe place drew tears to my eyes.  How painful it was.  As I drew on all of my five senses, and went to a pleasant place, a sweet memory.  I was taken back to a place, a time, a sweet memory… Lying in his arms, listening to his heartbeat, feeling his scratchy beard on my face, the taste of his lips on mine, sound of his even breathing, rumble of his laugh, his tight embrace, in my memory I can recall his scent.  Gosh, I could see it so clearly.  Who knew that he would become my safe place?  Such a sweet memory.  I was truly happy.  Right now, I am so sad.  I have been sad since his birthday.  


I know that I have to face the pain.  I have to feel it.  But I don’t want to.  I want to erase the years. I want to will them away.  It’s like, I bet he feels nothing.  I bet he doesn’t remember me.  But I remember him.  I remember the good and, sadly, the bad.  There was a lot of bad.  That’s what makes the good hurt so badly, I think… Omgosh, I am hurting so much!  I can’t even deal anymore. Now, I actually have to endure the pain.  Now, I have to actually feel it, face it.  I will see who I become on the other side of it.  I am in so much pain right now, I don’t know what to do.  Part of me wants to wait for him.  But that is so stupid.  Because one, why would he come back? And, two, why would I want him to come back?  Instead, I have just resigned myself to being alone the rest of my life.  In part, a punishment.  In part, I’m waiting.  I really don’t know why I am doing this to myself.  But I am in so much pain.  God, I am in so much pain.  I never knew I could hurt like this again.  Nor did I ever want to…  I never dreamed of it…  I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone…  


I had to leave out of the kids’ tae kwon do practice early because I could no longer contain the tears.  What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day!  I feel like Alexander from that book.  Except this is not a work of fiction.  This is my life… When I tell people my story, they are amazed.  How can it be real?  It all sounds like a work of fiction.  Heck, it sounds unreal even to me, and I have lived it – still living it.  Still feeling the after effects.  Still hurting.  Such is life, right?  There are many way worse off than myself.  Many hurting more than I.  Yet, here I cry over two failed marriages?  I cry because I am always labeled the monster.  So much so, that how can I not believe it?  I do my best.  But, gosh.  Life is never spoken into me.   Only death, destruction, failure.  What is the purpose?  I don’t know what I am supposed to do.  How do I recover from all of this?  I give up.  I just need to grow my kids up well.  Grow them up, then disappear.  Is this life for me?  Gosh, I don’t even know.  I do my best.  I am trying to make a difference.  I am trying to live righteous.  But how can I, when I am told how awful I am?  They must be right.  Right?  Not one, but two failed marriages.  I cannot do it.  I’m tired.  I have never felt so unloved.  No – that’s not true.  I have always felt unloved.  My parents were sure to show me how unloveable I was my entire life.  How unworthy I was of their love.  Even to this day.  I have no one, but my kids, and that should be enough – it is enough!  I am just overwhelmed by sadness from the damage done by those I chose to let in and love.  It’s like now, I have to kill my own heart, never to love again.  Hah! Who am I kidding?  What heart?  It has been shattered.  I have no heart.  I am so empty inside I can barely breathe!  It is just survival, day-by-day.  How long will this go on?  How long do I have to live like this?  My chest literally hurts, where my heart once was.  My pulse races.  I am in a constant state of pain.  Living.  Existing.  Those are the hardest parts.  If you only knew the effort it took to get out of bed.  I can’t believe he did this to me again.  What is so wrong with me?  

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