So much on my mind, I don’t think I’ll get to sleep any time soon. Another sleepless night? Another night dreaming of Brian? Ugh, I hope not. I need to get it together, my schedule is already changing.
Around me, it seems as though the world is falling apart. I see it all too clearly. It is not touching me directly. Oh, but I feel it. When Brian left me the way he did two years ago, my life seemed to fall apart. I was in a free fall for so many months. I just wanted to die. But somehow, I came back to Christ. I found GTAM, and I have never quite been the same. When he left me again, I was afraid that I would fall back into that pit. This time was different. I jumped with both feet into the work of the Lord, got involved in church, and the ministry. Sometimes, I want to give up, I want to give in. But I won’t. There are too many depending on me. Not just my kids, but the children of GTAM, the volunteers that have rallied behind me. I do not at all feel worthy. But it is not me, it is the Lord.
When I consider the pain that those are experiencing around me, I cannot help but weep. DC’s cousin ran off to Costa Rica and joined an occult. Left her 10 and 4 year-old children behind. Left everything. I think about LP’s boyfriend, whom is not a believer, who recently found out that he has cancer. He has been given 6 (now 5) months left to live. I think of my mom, whom turned away from the Lord after my da cheated on her 20 years ago. I think of my cousin who passed away too soon from drowning. I think of my childhood friend, OJ Murdock, who committed suicide. I think of JS who is back in jail, probably going to serve major time. I think of JK who is serving major time, should be getting out either this year, or next (has it already been ten years)? I think about TE who was murdered during a robbery gone bad. We grew up on the same church pews, learning the same lessons. What happened boys? My heart is saddened. So much is going wrong. Heck, I was in major like with both JK and TE. Had brief crushes on OJ and JS… Now look at them. JS and I “talked” off and on the first time Brian and I were going to divorce, then this last time, when we actually divorced. I didn’t know how bad off he was. Not that I am one to hold one’s past over his head, but it makes me so sad.
I have a coworker, KE, whom suffers major anxiety, to the point they cannot make a telephone call. They posted a lovely, yet sad letter today, apologizing to all of their friends, for not “being there.” Apparently, they lost a friend, for not being supportive enough, or something… I think of the youth in my care that suffer mental health disorders. I think of Brian. I think he has more issues than the PTSD (I don’t really buy the PTSD diagnosis). He always wanted to die. I wish him well. My heart is so heavy, because I worry that he will give up. I worry that he won’t survive. I worry that he will never get help. I know that I have to move on, and I shouldn’t care, but I do. He left me, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. It wasn’t over for me. My coworker’s (KE’s) sister was dating a guy, that when I heard about him, he reminded me of Brian. Well, about a month ago, the sister broke up with the guy, and he went home, and shot himself in the head. KE’s sister, of course feels guilty. For a while, I thought it was Brian. She started dating the guy right when Brian left me. Just hearing about him always put me in the mindset of Brian… But, it wasn’t him. (Is it bad if I say thank God?)
I truly do not understand what is going on in the world today. So many things are hitting so close to home. I am truly saddened. My heart is so heavy! I cannot help but weep. I feel as though I mourn for OJ, maybe it’s because I never got to say “goodbye.” I never got any closure. I was in freaking Afghanistan for goodness’ sake! I remember Rosie telling me. I thought for sure she was lying. I called dad. It wasn’t a lie. Gosh this year will make 5 years that he has been gone, and I still cannot accept it. Maybe I won’t allow myself to accept it because it masks the pain of my own current circumstances. Because, LIFE SUCKS! It truly does. I want to give up – all the time. But I don’t. I think about Trey. The people he left behind. Man, I couldn’t even get in the pool following his death. Still don’t know the truth surrounding his death, and I am saddened by it. To watch Tanya mourn openly via social media. Oh, it just breaks my heart. I want to look to the sky and ask God WHY??? Why are all of these things happening? What is the lesson in them? There has to be meaning. They had to die for a reason. Gosh, OJ… JS and JK, they have to be incarcerated for a reason. TE had to be killed for a reason. But where did they go – the ones who paid the ultimate price. The ones for whom the bell tolled – the ones for whom tomorrow never came? Trey said, “The future is promising, but tomorrow’s never promised.” Did he know? Did he know he would die young? Was it suicide? They say he couldn’t swim, why would he jump? Was he pushed? What really happened?
God, help me. Give me rest, in my mind, in my body, in my soul. Help me to find peace from it all. For all of those that are hurting, I pray Your peace cover and comfort them. Help me to not lose faith. Please mend my broken heart.