Lately, I have been having dreams that tell me I am not over you. My heart is so full of sadness, I feel as though I will explode. I know that it is over, finished, done – but in my heart, my mind, my dreams, there are things that are not resolved. I wonder, do you ever dream of me? Do you ever miss me? Does a song on the radio remind you of me? Do you ever look around hoping I might be near? Or, have you forgotten me completely? Was there ever love? Did you ever love me? Did I ever love you? Not to the extent that I should have, I can admit that. I wonder if there is any more I could have done.
I have been counseled and told that there was nothing more for me to do. I understand completely the concept of human choice. I know that you made the best decision for yourself – for me – for us. It was better for you to leave. How I wished that things did not turn out this way. You robbed me of the chance to say goodbye. You robbed me of closure. You attacked my character, while being untrue. When I think of it, I loved you, so very much, I loved you, with all that I had within me. I gave you my heart. I protected you. I provided for you. I loved you. I feel so cheated. I feel like I deserved better than the hand dealt to me, better than what you did to me. Maybe I just haven’t gotten over everything. Maybe I haven’t moved on, like I’ve tried to convince everyone, and myself.
In my heart, I want to let go, and move on. In my heart, I want the closure that was never afforded to me. I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be in another relationship again. I have come to terms with the fact that perhaps, I am just not made for love. How I wish it weren’t so. I will continue to immerse myself in everything else. I will plan a future for myself. What was taken from me is hope. I have none. I barely know what I am doing from day-to-day. A heart so full of love like I had once-upon-a-time… I am destined to spend the rest of my days alone. I do not think I can bear a third divorce. Don’t I regret the first divorce. I knew the second marriage would not last. For one, he didn’t believe in God. Second, he disregarded me as a person, let alone his wife. I couldn’t bear to go through that heartache again. To be made to feel like I am worthless, to the point of wishing I were dead. No, not for me. But, I will wait.
What am I waiting for? Truth be told, even I don’t have the answer to that question. I do not know. Sometimes, I nurse a false hope that one day he’ll return to me, and we’ll be a family again. Other times, I fool myself into believing that someday, somehow, there is someone out there who will love me. Do I really believe either of those things? No. I know that God has a plan, but I think for me, that plan is to remain single, sad, and lonely. (Just a tad cynical?) I don’t want to be anyone’s conquest, or anyone’s side chick, or disposable to anyone. I will come second only to God. Besides, is my heart even ready to give? No. Will it ever be ready to give to someone? I truly do not want to make the same mistake that I made before – hopping into a relationship before I was ready. People tell me, “You’re young. You never know. Don’t write off a relationship yet. There’s still hope for you.” Maybe it would matter if I actually believed it myself. But, honestly, I don’t live searching for my next victim. I feel as though I would only cause someone pain. Perhaps I am quite unloveable. Perhaps, this is for me to love myself with all that I have. That is something I fear I have never done wholly.
I desperately want to know what it feels like to put myself in a place of worth. All my life, I have been fed the lie that I simply was not good enough, or was not worthy of love. I felt as though I deserved the physical abuse, and verbal abuse, and emotional abuse that was handed to me. I thought those were the face of love. Little did I know that it was not the life God intended for me. Having children was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, though I never thought I had the ability to be a mother, nor did I desire it. However, I learned true love. I learned that love does not hurt – not in word, or deed. I refuse to allow my children to believe that love means my abuse towards them; or unkind word, or manipulation to gain fear and control over them. Oh no, that is not love. So, why then, did it take me this long to realize that I too deserved the same? Why did it take me this long to feel as though I have worth. My worth does not lie between my legs. My worth does not lie in what others think of me. My worth does not lie in the clothes I wear. My worth does not lie in the words other spew in my direction. My worth – huh! What am I saying? I am a priceless jewel. I am the Lord’s. He created me. He chose me. He loves me. How could I ever feel worthless? How could I ever allow manto take away from me what God has given? How can I ever allow man to make me want to take my own life? Never again. I am His, and He is mine. My identity is nestled in Christ. He died for me – if He died for no one else, He died for me! I cannot fail Him because of what man has done to me. I have found my identity. I have discovered a reason to live. What the two men that I chose to give my life and heart to took from me… I am reclaiming. It is still a daily battle. But I will wait. For what I am waiting, I do not really know. I just know that I am waiting. Perhaps God will restore, reconcile… Perhaps I will remain alone. Perhaps He will send someone new. I do not know. But what I do know is, I will wait. When Brian first left me, He told me plain as day to “Be still.” I am clinging to that. He also told me, “It’s finished.” And I knew then that I needed to let go. As much as it hurt, as badly as I felt, I had to let him go. I felt a load lift. It is just, now… He’s in my dreams, in my thoughts… Maybe, I am moving on, without wanting to move on without him. Maybe, he offered me a safety and security that I long for. Whatever the cause, it hurts so badly. I try to remain strong, but strength is a luxury I can’t seem to afford. Money can buy so many things, but it cannot buy my strength. I have to endure this heartache, no matter how badly it gets, and know that on the other side of it, I am will be much stronger. Do they understand the pain? Do they know how badly it hurts – how badly I feel? I wear my smile on my face, but underneath – I feel like I’m dying inside. I know it will all get better with time. So, I’m waiting. I don’t want to rush anything, but I wish I could just be better already! I want to get to the other side of the mountain, you know what I’m saying? But, no, that isn’t the way of it. I have to feel this pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body. In my weakness, He is strong. I will overcome… So, I will wait. As I wait, I will do the work of the Lord, I will raise my children well, I will work hard, I will succeed, I will love myself, I will love my family. I will let Him guide me. I will listen for His word, in the silence that surrounds me. I know there is a reason for everything. He has a plan. So, I will wait.