Tears in my eyes

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I know things will only get better with time.  Still, whether it is because I am getting that much closer to healing, or because I am truly sinking, I find myself in the midst of despair more frequently.  Pain, anguish, sadness, depression, anxiety – what more can I express to describe the emotions I feel within me?  I keep eating the pain away.  I am going to get fat.  Which will depress me even more.  But, in truth, betwixt the tears, I cry for seemingly no reason at all, and the utter loneliness, and sheer despair, I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.  You know, it wasn’t the fact that BS left, but the way he left that won’t leave me.  It is the pain of the rejection that I simply cannot let go of.  Silly, right?  My life isn’t bad.  On the contrary, things are better than ever.  So why am I this way?  Why am I in self-destruct, still?  Why can I not recover?  I do not wish to be this way, but I truly cannot help but be this way.  I am sad.  I am lonely.  I am depressed.  I  nearly wish to die.

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Amidst the pain that I feel, I have desires.  I want a bright tomorrow.  So much so, that I can almost taste it.  But, I feel like I don’t deserve it.  Honestly, if I even received it, would I believe?  Nah, I would likely destroy it.  Not believing it was meant for me, or that I was deserving, or that I was ready.  Believing that it was too good to be true.  Story of my life.  All my life I was made to feel that I was never good enough.  I have to listen to my sister, even to this day speak about her tragedies of being “so pretty.”  And mine?  Why was I mistreated?  It had nothing to do with my looks.  I was never the pretty one.  No one has ever mistaken me for pretty.  I know that they never will.  So, why was I mistreated from the very first breath I drew on this earth?  Even my children are cursed to suffer.  Why?  Is it because of their mother?  Because they were cursed to be born to such a wretched being?  Would have been better if I had aborted them?  Would it have been better if I had committed suicide?  I know it is too late now.  I do not know what to do about the suffering now.  How will we all survive?  I only pray that the Lord have mercy on my children.  I am too far past the point of expecting His grace.  I know that He does not love me.  Never has, never will.  But the children are innocent.  They never asked to be born.  Had I known life would have been like this, I would never have had them.  I am in such a pit of despair.  I am trying to give them the best life possible.  I am sorry to them that their dad and I divorced.  I am sorry to them that BS left me.  I wish I were a better woman.  I don’t know how to be better.  Now, I am left, damaged, hurting, wishing for the pain to end.  I just can’t.  So, with tears in my eyes I fall asleep.  With tears in my eyes I wake.  With tears in my eyes I drive to work.  With tears in my eyes I face my day.  Tears are ever present in my eyes.

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