#Triggered

36_perfectwife2

I am watching this Korean Drama called “Perfect Wife” right now…  Have been for several weeks…  And, I must admit, it is pretty triggering (as if that word is not overused).  Basic premise: A woman is obsessed with a married man, ruins his marriage.  Causes a divorce, and eventually, the ex-wife loses not only her husband, but also her children.  There is a scene, that I saw today that especially hit my feel spot.  The ex-wife/mother/my personal heroine is practically falling apart, health deteriorated, and she has mustered the last of her strength, in an attempt to get her children back, as ex-husband, and psycho woman have created a situation where he was able to take the children.  He says he will give the children back in a few days…  But really?  Will he?  Hmm…  Situation after situation keep popping up to prevent it.  I feel her pain as I identify in the pain not being able to be with my children as another steps in that place.  Afghanistan was different.  I could not control it, but still…  That pain.  Even now, as CB and NB try to push me out of the picture, it is a constant battle of trying to assert myself.  Then, I have the solace of knowing, I am their mother, no one can replace me.  But, that pain of separation.  Last night, I pulled out my hard drive from Afghanistan, and the days before leaving.  The last time we were a family.  I still lament.  It still hurts.  That love.  I have no one to blame but myself.  Like the husband in the show, I allowed myself to fall for someone, who tore my family apart for his own selfish, nefarious motives.  I do not blame him.  I blame only me.  My flesh got the better of me.  I was weak and I fell.  Unfortunately, my fall cost so much!  So many have had to pay the price, and are still paying the price as the consequences of my sins.  I have sought Christ for the forgiveness of my sin.  Somehow, I am still facing difficulty forgiving me.  As I face my life alone, I am saddened and weakened, knowing that this is my reality.  This is my future.  More than all of that, this is all of my fault, and I have no one to blame but me.

Waiting

I find myself now, just waiting.  I ask myself, for what is it that I am waiting?  I honestly do not know.  I do not have the answer to that question.  But, in my spirit, I feel as though I am waiting.  I think I did a post previously about waiting.  Am I waiting for him to return to me?  How fruitless.  How silly, a song just came on, Ron Pope, I Will Wait.  Lyrics:  Sometimes I don’t believe in anything/ so many things I never knew/ I may seem lost but this I know is true/ I will wait for you…  Wow.  Songs are on shuffle.  I am not certain if I have ever heard this song, but what great – or is it awful timing?  You know, I tried so hard to be the perfect wife, the perfect woman…  How difficult to be discarded so haphazardly.  Such a terribly powerful blow.  I feel it today.  It is so, incredibly painful.  I have been feeling it lately.  Perhaps as I am attacked in other areas, this is the attack that surfaces again, and again.  The attack of unworthiness.  I feel that the root of all of my problems is the mistake I made back in 2012, and I will never be able to move past it – nothing in my life will ever get better.  How then, do I move on?  How then do I get better?  How do I allow myself to feel joy?  Do I have to continue to wait?  I will wait until forever.  BS is never coming back.  This I know.  I have to learn to be happy.  I am young and have many years to live – should the Lord tarry.  I want to live in joy.  I want to live in liberty.  I want to live in freedom.  I want to live in love.  What is it that I am waiting to happen?  I just feel in my spirit that I am waiting…  Waiting, waiting…  I still do not think that I will ever love again.  I will likely never marry, never date, never belong.  It will be just me one day, as the children grow up, and eventually leave me.  I am almost fully resigned to that.  I know many women like that.  My friends are all women like this.  I am a woman that was never meant to have another to depend on – a woman doomed to be alone.  I miss having love.  I miss sharing that.

isitinthedark

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