I am watching this Korean Drama called “Perfect Wife” right now… Have been for several weeks… And, I must admit, it is pretty triggering (as if that word is not overused). Basic premise: A woman is obsessed with a married man, ruins his marriage. Causes a divorce, and eventually, the ex-wife loses not only her husband, but also her children. There is a scene, that I saw today that especially hit my feel spot. The ex-wife/mother/my personal heroine is practically falling apart, health deteriorated, and she has mustered the last of her strength, in an attempt to get her children back, as ex-husband, and psycho woman have created a situation where he was able to take the children. He says he will give the children back in a few days… But really? Will he? Hmm… Situation after situation keep popping up to prevent it. I feel her pain as I identify in the pain not being able to be with my children as another steps in that place. Afghanistan was different. I could not control it, but still… That pain. Even now, as CB and NB try to push me out of the picture, it is a constant battle of trying to assert myself. Then, I have the solace of knowing, I am their mother, no one can replace me. But, that pain of separation. Last night, I pulled out my hard drive from Afghanistan, and the days before leaving. The last time we were a family. I still lament. It still hurts. That love. I have no one to blame but myself. Like the husband in the show, I allowed myself to fall for someone, who tore my family apart for his own selfish, nefarious motives. I do not blame him. I blame only me. My flesh got the better of me. I was weak and I fell. Unfortunately, my fall cost so much! So many have had to pay the price, and are still paying the price as the consequences of my sins. I have sought Christ for the forgiveness of my sin. Somehow, I am still facing difficulty forgiving me. As I face my life alone, I am saddened and weakened, knowing that this is my reality. This is my future. More than all of that, this is all of my fault, and I have no one to blame but me.
I find myself now, just waiting. I ask myself, for what is it that I am waiting? I honestly do not know. I do not have the answer to that question. But, in my spirit, I feel as though I am waiting. I think I did a post previously about waiting. Am I waiting for him to return to me? Which one – BS, CB? How fruitless. How silly, a song just came on, Ron Pope, I Will Wait. Lyrics: Sometimes I don’t believe in anything/ so many things I never knew/ I may seem lost but this I know is true/ I will wait for you… Wow. Songs are on shuffle. I am not certain if I have ever heard this song, but what great – or is it awful timing? You know, I tried so hard to be the perfect wife, the perfect woman… How difficult to be discarded so haphazardly. Such a terribly powerful blow. I feel it today. It is so, incredibly painful. I have been feeling it lately. Perhaps as I am attacked in other areas, this is the attack that surfaces again, and again. The attack of unworthiness. I feel that the root of all of my problems is the mistake I made back in 2012, and I will never be able to move past it – nothing in my life will ever get better. How then, do I move on? How then do I get better? How do I allow myself to feel joy? Do I have to continue to wait? I will wait until forever. BS is never coming back. This I know. CB has moved on (sort of) and is married (at the very least). I have to forgive myself for the mistake I made in 2012, and I have to move on. I have to learn to be happy. I am young and have many years to live – should the Lord tarry. I want to live in joy. I want to live in liberty. I want to live in freedom. I want to live in love. What is it that I am waiting to happen? I just feel in my spirit that I am waiting… Waiting, waiting… I still do not think that I will ever love again. I will likely never marry, never date, never belong. It will be just me one day, as the children grow up, and eventually leave me. I am almost fully resigned to that. I know many women like that. My friends are all women like this. I am a woman that was never meant to have another to depend on – a woman doomed to be alone. I miss having love. I miss sharing that.