Barely Hanging On

img_4257We all have those days…  Some of us have those weeks, months – or dare I say years, when we are barely hanging on.  When life seems to be just a little more than we can handle.  Sure, there are moments of joy, moments of happiness, moments of pleasure.  But after the moment passes, there life is to slap us in the face and remind us that we are not worthy, to remind us that we are still in pain, to remind us that the hurt is ever before us.  Oh, once those fleeting moments of ecstasy pass, life is there to slap you in the face.  “Oh, did you forget?”  Did you forget that you are a failure?  Did you forget that no one loves you?  Did you forget that there is no reason for your existence?  And then, here you find yourself, barely – hanging – on.  How did you even get here?  What is the root of all of this pain?  Can you even point to one specific source?  Is there a catalyst?  Or maybe there is one today, maybe there is one, in this moment.

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Tonight, I find myself thrust into a world of pain – after having been happy.  Yes, there was a catalyst.  Yes, I know that catalyst.  I received a letter in the mail today from the VA.  That letter stated that BS (my ex husband – whom divorced me and abandoned me, not once but twice) had attempted to get an apportionment of my disability compensation.  Now, why would he do that?  He even filed for it after he left me!  The letter stated that he sent in a written statement requesting an apportionment of my funds.  Luckily, I mailed in a statement prior to stating that he had left, blah blah, then, when we divorced, I sent that in and uploaded it…  But the gall…  I cried tonight.  I cried because although it had been nearly a year since he left me, that fact that he would still try to steal from me is unbelievable!  I do not understand it!  How evil?!  My heart aches.  I have cried, mourned, ached for him.  Yet, he does this?  How?

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