I’ve got this feeling on the inside, that I can’t quite explain. Some where between sadness and pain and confusion – maybe a little despair. For a while, I sure was hopeful. Yeah! And things seemed to be going FAN-freaking-TASTIC! But then, something happened. In my prayer time, I can’t pray. In my times of strength, I am feeling weak. We are to “press towards the mark.” But for me the days are so dark, I can’t see it. I’m not even fasting anymore, but food makes me sick. Still, I wind up stress eating. I’m feeling some kind of way. For me the brightest days are dark, and lonely. I can’t even cry to He whom sits on the throne, because He just seems so far away.
Letting go, in any situation is always the most difficult. I am just feeling some kind of way. I really wish I had a name for my emotions, then maybe even I could understand. Then maybe I could process, and move forward from this point. But here I am, at this standstill. I should be happy. I just completed my last quarter of undergraduate school – waiting on final grades to post, and my final transcripts/ GPA – and diploma/ Degree (which goes without saying). It was a successful journey. But it doesn’t satisfy the emptiness inside of me.
Maybe empty is the best word that describes the way that I am feeling. Lonely isn’t a far cry either. Regardless of word we choose to use, I’m feeling some kind of way. Work is going well. I’m getting into the swing of being Ms. Supervisor. Church – *sigh* church. Now this could be a contributing factor to my feeling. The people on my team are working against me. Everything that we are supposed to be building together for the kingdom, they are going overboard to tear down. From stealing items I purchased with my own money for the kids and youth, to just being down right disrespectful. I am so through. Part of me wants to tell every single one of those jerks about themselves – but that’s not the Christian way. I have to have grace, humility, love… It’s hard! So was going to the cross – a voice echoes in my ear. I have no argument against that. I want to give up! So did I – He reminds me, as I think of the Garden. “Let this cup pass from me.” I am no saint, no where near to be compared to Christ. Yet, when I took up the cross and followed Him… I did not choose the easy road. Though I was born and raised in the church, never have I known Him like I do now. Never was His love revealed to me like it is now. In my darkest of days, and my lowest of lows, He speaks. He reminds me, I am not alone. But this emptiness inside of me is overwhelming! I can’t pray, but in the silence I can hear that still small voice as He caresses me with His words: Be still. Trust and obey. Press towards the mark. Do not give up. I am here. Be still and know that I am God.
I often experience pain because I am a naturally empathetic person. Couple that with the gifts of discernment of spirits, and intercessory prayer, and it can call for very painful experiences. (Especially when your own life is in peril). Sometimes, it seems as though I take on everyone else’s problems, and so many depend and lean on me, that at the end of the day, when my life is in shambles, I am left alone, with no one to lean on. Not only that, all of my resources are so depleted, I don’t even know how to help myself. I can’t turn to God, because my problems are too big, or insignificant, or I’m just unworthy. So, I sit, empty, down trodden, and broken hearted, and watch my life fall down right before my eyes. What a lonely experience. It leaves you breathless. It leaves you empty. It leaves you hopeless. It leaves you feeling some kind of way.