A couple poems from K-Drama: “My Secret Romance”

mysecretromance

Two from One

twofromone

I know if you subtract one from two,

It should be one.

But if you’re gone, I can’t be one.

And I know one plus one should be two,

But if we’re together we can’t become two.

It’s a matter of time until I have to be one.

But after letting you go,

I can’t find my rightful place,

I’m unable to sense my existence.

Even if I repeat the words that send chills down my spine,

I still can’t be one.

I’m praying to go back in time.

Even if two minus one could be one,

Me minus you, cannot be one.

I don’t think I can look back.

If I look back, I feel like I’ll really go back.

I won’t look back, because I might regret it.

Ever since I left,

No matter what reasons I hold up,

I know I can’t explain myself.

The reason why I couldn’t tell you I’m sorry,

The reason why I couldn’t tell you I love you,

Was because of my conscience.

The words inside my heart –

It’s probably over 1000 words

But in the end, I couldn’t say a single word.

No matter how much I miss it, the old memories won’t come back;

Those precious moments,

Won’t be happy to see me again.

In the future… In the distant future,

I will regret it.

I will look back when that time comes.

Let’s Be a Coin

twosides

I know it’s useless now,

But let’s pray to be like a coin.

You’re the front side, and I’m the back side.

When one side is missing, the coin is thrown away.

Let’s pray to be like a coin.

Even if we can’t see each other, we’re always together.

Even if we can’t check on each other, we’re together forever.

Let’s pray to be like a coin.

I know it’s trivial, but let’s pray to be like a coin.

You can be the front side, and I can be the back side.

When one side is missing, that coin is thrown away.

Even when we can’t see each other, we’re always together.

Even if we can’t check on each other, we’re together forever.

Let’s pray to be like a coin.

sad

These poems spoke to me on different levels.  I suppose I have been in my own little state of “feels.”  I went out with a guy – twice.  He’s nice.  He likes me.  I don’t really like him.  I don’t see it going anywhere, more like something to pass the time.  I was set up by a coworker.  Someone asked me, “Does he think it’s going anywhere?”  I had to pause because, in all actuality, I think he might.  According to the coworker that set us up, it would seem so…  My heart still is not ready to give, and it is not for him.  Not that there is anything wrong with him – because, there isn’t.  When I consider my “lists” (disqualifiers, and “what I want,” he has not yet been “disqualified.”  However, he is not quite what I want.  Does that make sense?  I mean, He’s funny enough.  I don’t think about the guy until he sends me a text message, or calls me.  He’s respectful.  But, he’s just not the one.  More and more, I am reminded of the fact that I vowed to myself, that after BS, I would not settle.  I would go back into something that does not fully satisfy.  I don’t have to.  Even if I wait my whole life!  I have been told multiple times in the past two weeks that “God has a husband for (me).”  Maybe?  I’m not looking (that has been my response).  I know that I don’t have to look (that is always their response).  Sometimes, I’m like, “Well, God, where the heck is he?  Let’s get this thing going while I’m still youngish and hot!”  (Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised… – Yeah, I know what Your word says *rolls eyes*)  

Honestly, my weekend was HARD!  I had to overcome crap at work, and my FIRST EX-husband and his CURRENT wife coming to our church.  Whew, but I made it!  Work, well, this was a week ago – won’t dwell on it…  Youth AL spit in my face.  It took me nearly 10 hours to settle down, and calm my nerves after that.  *Sigh*  Moving on!  Jaidey-poo received the Holy Ghost on Sunday night/ last night of the Who’s That Lady Women’s Conference, and got baptized this past Sunday.  CB and NB come to church with her two minions.  We’re one big happy family, right?  Meh, it was a tad emotional…  First, after stating that NR, NB’s son is allergic to “black people.”  I’m like, “I hope you’ll apologize to your half-black children.”  CB has every excuse WHY he is justified in making a racist comment.  Then, CHURCH!  I’m a ball of nerves.  I am sure they were too.  I walk up as Pastor is introducing himself, and trying to figure out who they were…  I interject, “This is my family!  NB, KR, NR, and CB.  They came for the baptism!”  Get everyone adjusted.  Fast forward a tad…  They made Michaela cry.  I cried.  I go into the sanctuary, and they are spread out, on a row, Michaela is seated in front of them, I ask if we can sit with them…  We all sat together…  It was just ugly at parts.  But, we all survived it!  Praise the Lord!  I’ve been struggling ever since!  It is so hard.  I feel so alone.  It’s like, it’s one thing to not have any family support here, and another to not even have a husband to lean on.  That really took a lot out of me.  I know I don’t NEED a husband to lean on.  God’s got me.  But I faltered. and fell Sunday.  It was not even my first time.  I am still beating myself up.  Ugh, and I am in such a pit of despair.  People look up to me.  I am so false – fake.  I want to hide myself away, and just run, or sleep, or something.  I just can’t.  I feel so alone.  The loneliness is beginning to overpower me.  Am I really here again?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s