“A poet once said, “The beginning can be predicted, but the ending is a mystery.” But for me it was the opposite. In my short life, I experienced many endings, which was why I was hesitant to begin. I was scared of it ending. As soon as I realized my feelings for you… I ran away from you like a coward. But I failed. Because my feelings started developing without me realizing it. I just realized it too late. I wonder when it started. I wonder where it started. Right now, there’s only one thing I’m sure of. I can’t figure out or stop what’s between us. But it’s begun. I’m regretting pushing you away. I want to tell you that I wanted to take back what I said back then.” ~ Love in Trouble/ Suspicious Partner
I consider the words in the narrative above, and how applicable they are to my own life. I have experienced so many endings in my short lifetime. I doubt that I will begin again. I have no real desire to begin again – yet, I do. My endings have been anything but pretty. They have been tragic, ugly, and outright pitiful. They have caused me to hate who I am, not want to live, and dread each day. I have despised each waking moment, desiring not to wake in the morning, seeing it as torture. I have made it beyond that point. I have made it to a place of healing and recovery, where I revel in each day. I am happy to be alive.
I am at a place where I may actually be ready for a new beginning. Where I see myself able to fall in love, able to be ready to begin again, there is still that piece that holds me back – ending. For me, endings are imminent, endings are a fact. Nothing lasts. If there is any life lesson that I have learned, it has been that nothing lasts. Love fades, marriages end, passion fizzles, dreams crash… Nothing lasts. As badly, and desperately as I want to live, and love, my endings keep me from beginning again.
Last night, I went out with a good guy – a comfortable guy. Not the guy for me – but a comfortable guy. He absolutely adores me. What more could I want? Someone just happy to be with me? When have I ever experienced that? Never. Someone who doesn’t expect anything from me. He does not require anything from me. Just to be in my presence. Wow! There are no fireworks, no real sparks. Maybe those will come? I don’t care to send him a text message first, or call him. This may be one of the first times I am thinking of him without him messaging me. He could grow on me… But then, I wonder: How will our ending look? Of course, I do not want to begin, because I do not want to end. So, what can I do? He is like my trial… Is that bad? That makes me a bad person, right?
My heart is still set on someone else. I want someone else. I can even feel the draw – the pull towards him… Like the opening passage, “In my short life, I experienced many endings, which was why I was hesitant to begin. I was scared of it ending. As soon as I realized my feelings for you… I ran away from you like a coward.” I have a lot to fear, and I even feel justified in my fears. I have much to protect… This silly, fragile heart of mine. I have had too many endings to expect, or desire, another beginning. That probably means I am not healed – not completely, anyway. My fear is so strong.
I tell myself not settle, yet I think I am on my way to settling. Luckily, there have been no red-flags (yet). Just an easy comfort. For this I should be grateful. So, why do I have the overwhelming feeling of lacking? It just is not enough for me. I am going to not see him anymore, I think… It is only fair… Ugh, and he wants to “come down my way,” for our next date. I have a firm rule about my children not being involved in any aspect of my personal/dating life. Additionally, I do not want him on my side of town… That would be too close for comfort. Able to know where I like to go? Nah, I am not about that life. He thinks we are going somewhere… We are definitely not… Or are we? I need to decide.