Driving to Portland, today, I was flooded with memories of times past. How many times had he and I made that trip? Too many to count… I had a great time today, with the kiddos. Yet, his presence was ever before me. How can I still hurt like this? I am trying my best to move on, and be happy, and be free – yet, I hurt so bad. To be tossed aside – was I really the only one loving? The only one that felt anything? I’m the only one losing sleep… So pathetic… I was used… I loved him selfishly and selflessly. I loved with all that I could – knowing that he didn’t love me back. I accepted less. Even CB had said that he wished I had allowed him the grace I granted BS. He said, “You don’t care about anything.” No, I cared. I was just too afraid of losing him to “care.” Does that make sense? In the end, I still lost it all. I am left to deal with the memories – the hurt, the pain… And – he? He has just moved on as though I never existed. On to the next victim. But my heart – it is still so heavy – it is still so broken.
I can’t pretend like we never happened. I believe it’s okay to cry. I think that it is even a good thing. So often we try to push it aside – or bury feelings such as these. Because they make us feel weak or uncomfortable in our own skin. But I will embrace it. I will let the tears trickle down my cheeks, and feel the burning in my heart. Pain is weakness leaving the body! Right? So what if I miss him? So what if I cry? I’m only human. I hurt. When I hurt, I cry, and that’s okay. One day, this pain will go away. It hurts so fresh, because I’m coming up on the year anniversary that he walked away, and I fought for him. I didn’t know that it was over. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t get any closure.
Life goes on. My life has gone on. I am doing so much – probably so much more than I would have should he have stayed! And heck, I’m going to Europe this December! EUROPE?! With FRIENDS! I’ve gone on dates. I’ve been to so many baseball games. I got promoted, graduated Magna Cum Laude, and the list goes on… I really shouldn’t complain. I just didn’t get any closure. He wanted out. Finally got an opening, and ran for it. I wanted forever. He promised to “love me forever.” As it turns out, our definitions of “forever” are different. His didn’t last as long as mine. I still love him. Maybe it’s not love anymore… Maybe it was just the memories – flooding back… The sad, sappy songs on the drive home didn’t help. But I was too far gone. Couldn’t help myself. I was already consumed with thoughts of him.
I got hit on in Portland, today. Cute kid. Probably jail bait. *sigh* I didn’t even feel pretty today. My daughter got jelly (oops).