With Good, Comes??

Driving to Portland, today, I was flooded with memories of times past.  How many times had he and I made that trip?  Too many to count…  I had a great time today, with the kiddos.  Yet, his presence was ever before me.  How can I still hurt like this?  I am trying my best to move on, and be happy, and be free – yet, I hurt so bad.  To be tossed aside – was I really the only one loving?  The only one that felt anything?  I’m the only one losing sleep…  So pathetic…  I was used…  I loved him selfishly and selflessly.  I loved with all that I could – knowing that he didn’t love me back.  I accepted less.  Even CB had said that he wished I had allowed him the grace I granted BS.  He said, “You don’t care about anything.”  No, I cared.  I was just too afraid of losing him to “care.”  Does that make sense?  In the end, I still lost it all.  I am left to deal with the memories – the hurt, the pain…  And – he?  He has just moved on as though I never existed.  On to the next victim.  But my heart – it is still so heavy – it is still so broken.

I can’t pretend like we never happened.  I believe it’s okay to cry.  I think that it is even a good thing.  So often we try to push it aside – or bury feelings such as these.  Because they make us feel weak or uncomfortable in our own skin.  But I will embrace it.  I will let the tears trickle down my cheeks, and feel the burning in my heart.  Pain is weakness leaving the body!  Right? So what if I miss him? So what if I cry? I’m only human.  I hurt.  When I hurt, I cry, and that’s okay.  One day, this pain will go away.  It hurts so fresh, because I’m coming up on the year anniversary that he walked away, and I fought for him.  I didn’t know that it was over.  I wasn’t ready.  I didn’t get any closure.

Life goes on.  My life has gone on.  I am doing so much – probably so much more than I would have should he have stayed!  And heck, I’m going to Europe this December!  EUROPE?!  With FRIENDS!  I’ve gone on dates.  I’ve been to so many baseball games.  I got promoted, graduated Magna Cum Laude, and the list goes on…  I really shouldn’t complain.  I just didn’t get any closure.  He wanted out.  Finally got an opening, and ran for it.  I wanted forever.  He promised to “love me forever.”  As it turns out, our definitions of “forever” are different.  His didn’t last as long as mine.  I still love him.  Maybe it’s not love anymore…  Maybe it was just the memories – flooding back…  The sad, sappy songs on the drive home didn’t help.  But I was too far gone.  Couldn’t help myself.  I was already consumed with thoughts of him.

I got hit on in Portland, today.  Cute kid.  Probably jail bait.  *sigh*  I didn’t even feel pretty today.  My daughter got jelly (oops).

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