I am feeling totally, and completely depleted. I am overwhelmed – overcome. I have given all that I have to give. I have nothing else. I am an empty vessel. I am so tired of trying and failing. It just seems like, no matter what I do, I fail. I give and I give, and it is never enough. Some people are just out to get me – I am truly convinced. You may call it paranoia – perhaps! Then again, maybe not. I try to listen, and believe words of encouragement, and inspiration, when people tell me “God has something BIGGER.” Oh yeah? What? What’s bigger than the life that is crushing me? Death. Death is bigger. And the way that I have been living my life. Hell. I am going to hell. Goodbye world, goodbye.
“Why live in hell then die and go to hell?”
Story of my life… As if it is a choice? It is not a choice. When all of life comes against you – exes, church, work, kids – everything! Do you see what I mean?! How can I “stand strong” and “be of good cheer?” How do I really accomplish “be angry and sin not?” There are only so many cheeks I can turn before they are bruised and beaten and tender, and I fight back. Sin. Now, here I lay, battered and broken. Alone. One beating after another. What am I to do? I don’t know how to continue on. My heart is so broken.
Today would have been my grandfather’s 85th birthday, were he living. A hard day, no matter how I slice it. I miss him. My sis went – took her kids. His presence is still unmistakably there. That both comforts me and breaks me.
This morning, I humbled myself before my enemies. Though I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders, and a peace – the brokenness is still ever present. The bruises still hurt. The pain isn’t gone. Like the Army cadence goes: “Some say freedom is free, but I beg to disagree.” Freedom costs so much! Freedom hurts! Freedom scars! Freedom wounds. And the wounds run oh-so-deep.