What Was That?!

I am wildly against any self-help groups, or whatever, you know? Church related, or not, doesn’t matter to me. I don’t like those things, I think they are stupid.

Well, First Lady has placed me as Director of Fundraising for Who’s That Lady? And wants to put a video together for prospective donors. I went to the Victorious Life Class last night, to get pictures. They began with a review of the last month’s theme: FEAR.

One brother shared that he didn’t realize the different spirits are often disguised as fear. Things that we say to ourselves such as: I may never get married again. No one will ever love me again. I’ll just be alone. I was like – Jess close your mouth. That’s fear? That’s bad? Like, after this last divorce, I condemned myself to being alone. I convinced myself that I would never marry again; No one would ever love me. It was fear. Right? That and a combination of not feeling worthy. A fear of never finding love. A fear of not being good enough. A fear of rejection. Fear. What a powerful thing!

So, last night’s topic was: pride and rebellion. Who knew that the feeling of “I don’t need nobody.” And “My way is better than your way.” Is equivalent to pride/ haughtiness… Also, as it turns out… I have been quite rebellious in my sad life. And I know that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as the sin of idolatry. Such a sinner I am… Like to such a vast extent… With knowledge even – and without? Eye opening. So often, I feel like I strive to do right, and get NO WHERE! People pleaser instead of God pleaser – that’s arrogance! I do that oftentimes. I would never have described myself as arrogant, prideful, or haughty – much less rebellious. Oh did I mention fearful? Turns out, I am all that, and then some! Like, whoa! I’m woke. Okay?! Lots to think about. Lots to consider… All the while, here I’ve been, sinning and not realizing it.

My daddy told me, the first time Brian left, that God would give me the desires of my heart. I scoffed at the thought. Placing God in a box. He isn’t big enough, strong enough… He simply can’t. I don’t deserve the desires of my heart. My heart longs for love – another soul to cling to. My heart longs simply for love. I don’t want to be alone. But I will. Because God isn’t big enough to solve this one. I don’t deserve love.

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