Goblin, Love, and Other Things

You know, I have come to this unavoidable reality that the heart longs for connection, relationship, and dare I say it *gasp* love.

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“Always this ridiculous obsession with love.”

I think people are always so hyper-focused on being with someone.  Rarely, are they able to be alone.  Some are so in love with the idea of being in love, that I think if love actually found them, they would not even recognize it…  You know me, and my KDramas…  I’m a hopeful romantic (for everyone BUT myself).  One KDrama, I may even watch again, was all about love…  Love transcended time.  Love found a way, when the male lead did not want to even find “love.”  He just wanted to satisfy his “bride’s” silly desires…  Before he realized it…  LOVE happened… 

“You are my LIFE
 And my DEATH.
And I LIKE You.
Thus, I Keep
This SECRET
And ask HEAVEN
For PERMISSION
May you NOT Know
For one more DAY
May you NOT Know
For 100 YEARS More.
-GOBLIN-
Goblin…  The KDrama, to which I was referring…  A love that transcends decades, centuries…  He begged God for another day – before realizing that one more day was not nearly enough, for his bride to not know that once she removed the blade that kept him alive, it would end his life.  He did everything he could to stay with her, but each day that passed, the blade hurt.  He fought his way back to her…  It was a happy ending.  For that, I was happy.
How amazing it is to fall in love.  You never realize you are in love, until you are already lost in love! I have been beautifully, head-over-heels in love, only once in my lifetime.  If I never experience it again, I am very grateful for that experience.  I have no regrets, except that it ended too abruptly – although it ended when it was supposed to.  Because “all things are as they should be.”  And, “everything happens for a reason.”  And I will not lament the past.
Image result for don't fall for it, she only wants to steal your sweatshirt
I saw this on Facebook, and had to laugh…  There are a decent number of males that have been hitting me up: When are we gonna hang out?  Don’t be scared.  All kinds of stupid crap, (as if I would even be interested in them – or they would stand a chance with me).  So, this is a bit off…  It’s more…  “I want a partner/person season.”  Everyone is trying to find someone.  Why is that?  Starting to get cold?  Clubs wear down in the fall?  I don’t really know?  I don’t do the club scene…  Friends are getting married, or recently got married…  It is definitely the “season” for Let’s find a boyfriend/girlfriend.  The holidays are approaching…  Why settle now?  You’d just have to spend money on someone for Christmas!  Don’t do it!!  Save that money for yourself, your family…  Ugh, what if you have to visit family?  His, or hers…  And yours?!  Introductions?!  What if isn’t that serious?!  Jumping the gun!  That puts so much pressure!  Then the dreaded Valentine’s Day is RIGHT.AROUND.THE.CORNER.  Don’t.Do.It.  
270d1c742a06aa8a1364a57137381b03--so-true-true-loveAll the single ladies: Maya Angelou put it so beautifully, didn’t she?  Shouldn’t our hearts be hidden in God?  We all claim to want a “good man.”  But we never like “good men.”  We search for any man.  To be the Proverbs 31 woman – the virtuous woman.  We should delight in the Lord.  And a GOOD MAN, will FIND us.  Right?!  Because, “He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing.”  We don’t have to find our own husbands.  We don’t need to put ourselves out there – contrary to what the world tells us.  Forget the dating sites, the clubs, the bars.  We can just be who we are, do what we normally do, and live our lives according to His will, and a GOOD man, will find us.  OKAY?!  Stop stressing it!  I am not stressing it, I am not worrying about it…  IMG_5457
I already took the route of: I need to do this MY way, in MY time, because, God, I need me a man, RIGHT NOW!  Let me tell you where that ended up!  DIVORCE.  Not just divorce.  Oh he cheated.  He beat me.  He abused me not only physically, but also emotionally, and mentally, I am still recovering.  I wanted to DIE.  I tried to die, multiple times.  I was ready to give up my kids, and end it all.  And he egged me on!  He got in cahoots with my kids’ father to PUSH me over the ledge.  Praise God, mercy said NO!  Am I worried about finding a man? NOOOO!  If God wants me to be with another man, He will send that man to me.  And, I’m stubborn, so God will probably have to SPELL it out plainly.  He is probably gonna have to have my Pastor TELL me – Sis Jessy…  Because after all that I have been through…  After all of the tears I have cried…  My heart – it is the Lord’s.  I am healing/healed/healing…  AND it is guarded.
I had a long conversation with a younger sister in my church, after having a conversation with her mother.  These conversation centered around a young man in our church, and my dating life.  So, the conversation with the mother was to the effect of: “there’s someone in the church interested in you. Would you go out on a group date if (her daughter) invited you?”  I said, “He’s younger than me!” (Initially taken aback.)  Then, “I don’t date.”  When she still persisted, “I’m not in place to date – plus, I thought you wanted to set me up with your son.”  She dropped it.  Then, her daughter, “Did my mom ask you about ____?”  Yes.  I explained everything – group date included.  She was thoroughly mortified.  “I didn’t have anything to do with that.”  Thanks.  Your niece was there as well, she now calls him “my man” – even in front of him…  Makes me a bit embarrassed.  I am rather shy.  She seemed to understand.  Then she asked: “So, you aren’t in a place to date at all?”  I’ve been on a few dates that my friends have set me up on, they never went anywhere.  I’m open to dates, I just don’t pursue them on my own.  Then she proceeded to ask me all of these questions about what I like to do for fun when I don’t have my kids, when I’m not working, not volunteering at the church…  Felt like a job interview for a date!  We even got on the discussion of my list!  And that I am INFJ (so is her cousin).  So weird.  We talked about sports – the importance of sports to me, and in my next relationship (should I have one). We talked about my “awkward” haha. She was like, “The right guy will think she’s so cute and awkward.” I jokingly replied, leave out the awkward. Just she’s so cute and feed me! (I don’t require much.) I like her. It was an even exchange of stories. At times she asked a lot of questions… I didn’t… Wasn’t quite sure the reason behind the questions. For her to get to know me, or to report back to our friend at church (her friend).
Then I discover that Sunday she and her husband went to his house after church! Hello nerves! It’s like: Did she tell him the stuff we talked about? Things are about to become even more awkward! I don’t know how to “be cool.” Hence, the awkward. Doesn’t have to be awkward. That is just who I am.

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Laying here in bed this morning. I made a decision, made an admission, said a prayer… Decision: I am going to stop worrying about useless menfolk, with whom a relationship would go no where because of religious views, life views, etc… (I say that and they all come out of the woodwork – mark my words). Admission: None of your business. I’m not ready to commit it to words. Prayer: I prayed for myself and I prayed for a man. I prayed to be the woman God wants me to be – and the man to be the man, He wants him to be. If it be God’s will, that we both should have some sort of feeling… Then, that we would be the people for one another that God intends. God’s timing, God’s will, and God’s purpose. (I guess that goes along with my admission. Silly girl – and I have blogged this before, sort of…) So, I will wait. Because he is worth waiting for, no matter how long it takes… (This is why I hate starting blogs at night and finishing in the morning… So much happens while you sleep!)

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