The sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be sun. Just thinking about tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrows ’til there’s none!
Dark is the night, am I ever so glad that the sun – it does rise in the morning! A concept that has taken some time to understand. Days are tough – they downright suck! But, thank the Lord, the sun rises in the morning! It sickens me to my core to know that suck evil pervades in this world. When we try and try to do right, and all we get is pain. When good is met with evil, and right is met with wrong… At least I know one thing is for sure: the sun will rise tomorrow. I do not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future, and the sun will rise. I may not see the outcome of these trials, but I am learning to trust in the Almighty.
My heart aches right now for my sister, my friend. I know her pain, all too well… I know she has been there before, so have I… Heck, a year ago, then six months before that, then a year before that. Then sporadically throughout the years before that. I lost a baby – come a couple days from now, only three years ago… I’m not too sad about that… Just sad about the events that happened after that, and leading up to that. Poor gal though… Her birthday… Brian did that to me too… And our one year anniversary… He took off to Portland to see Rhoda Lovins – that internet hooker he sent those… On our one year anniversary… And I stayed with him then… Wishin, and hopin, and thinkin, and plannin, prayin, and dreamin… He never changed, he was never gonna love me.
As I sat and listened to her reflect on the beginning of her relationship… Gosh, I said those same words! “I will show him what real love is!” “Poor guy has never really been loved!” “All his exes were so0o mean! He is so0o sweet!” Hah! Little did I know, I would become that “Monster EX.” I remember downloading that Kelly Clarkson song, “Save You.” I wish I could save you. I wish I could say to you – I’m not going no where. I wish I could say to you. It’s gonna be alright… Never expected to continually get cheated on… Then be accused of cheating… Was I not having my own life reflected in front of me? Was it some cruel joke? Was I on Punk’d? I’m not even famous (yet)!! Sheesh, Ashton Kutcher didn’t even jump out with camera crews! How is my sister’s life such a direct correlation of my own? How did we marry such similar men? How did we endure so much of the same? The only difference – she had the strength to leave… Had he not left me, I would still be with Brian, enduring his physical, emotional, mental abuse – his cheating. I would still be on the cusp of suicide, if I were even alive today – having not successfully completed a suicide attempt. Where she is strong, I am weak. Why did I stay? I don’t have an answer, and that pains me… I know that I am better than that, and I deserve better than that…
Why do I place such little value on myself?
I love myself. This is something I learned over the course of the past year. It has been a year of growth and development for me. Am I were I want to be? Absolutely not. I am getting there. Slowly. After Afghanistan, and losing Chris, I felt like I lost everything, and I just fell, and kept falling. It was like each time I thought I hit rock bottom, the ground opened up, to swallow me whole, and behold! There was no bottom in sight, a black-hole! I kept falling! It was like dark was – even during the day! Yet, Pastor made this point, and it began to sink in: no matter what you are going through, and how bad it may seem, the earth is going to continue to spin on it’s axis, and the sun is going to continue to rise each morning, and set each night. My life was crumbling! It took hearing that twice, a year a part, for me to receive the revelation that my life had not ended with my two divorces. I began to live! I began to love myself! I was knocked down, but not out. When I decided to rise… Let me tell you… On wings as eagles I soar! Some days are still a challenge. Some days downright suck! But I am resting on His word, and His promises.
I know that in the midst of my suffering, and pain, God had a plan all along. I couldn’t see it then… Sometimes, I still can’t. Sometimes, I’m like, well, God, why did he have to____? or Why did my mama_____? or Do I really have to face this alone? But, I know that I am not alone. In the midst of it all, there is a plan… I hate to believe that those so close to me – those I once shared such intimate moments with – such intimate pieces of myself, are my own enemies, seeking to harm me. That HURTS! I KNOW God has a plan… It would be really nice if He revealed it… Some things, I need to understand… It took me a while to wish no evil on my enemies. How I hate to call them that. They were once so near and dear to my heart. To lose the very ones that you would give up your own life for – To be perfect strangers with he who was your best friend, soul mate, the love of your life, knew you most intimately… To be tossed aside by the two men who said they’d love you forever, declared to be yours until death do you part – forever doesn’t last that long – and death is too far away. Your own mother and father forsake you, abuse you, teach you skewed ideas about love. The unhealthiness of the relational ties carrying into your adulthood, seeping into your past marriages. Water is for cleansing. So, by all means, let the waters be troubled.
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
One day, I hope to find and experience love (again). My sister seems hopeful. I want to be like her. I am so fearful. I do not trust myself (or others). I am so deathly afraid. I don’t feel like I deserve to meet anyone. I’m so scared of screwing it up. I am scared of misjudging them, like I did Brian. I don’t want to make another mistake! I want happiness. I want another relationship. I am just so afraid. What if it fails? What if it is me? I do think that I have a lot to offer. I think I’m rather sweet. Haha. I’m funny. I’d date me – but I’m biased! *Sigh* SN: Surprised I lasted this long on meds… Goodnight for now…